Just in case maybe you only started reading this blog today, sometimes…sometimes I’m awkward in my life. Sometimes I say weird things or laugh at inappropriate times or just generally have no idea what the hell I’m doing with my own self.
Normally that’s not a big deal because the only people I deal with are people that know me in one way or another – friends, family, coworkers. But when I meet new people, I run into a problem. It takes so much more extra energy not to be a goofball. I really have to think about what I’m doing so I don’t end every sentence with “THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID” or talk in LOLCATS out loud. Or talk like a cartoon character that is Swedish and plays in a death metal band and has a problem with conjugating verbs.
Can’t act like that with people that don’t know me.
Point being – I’ve gone out with this guy that I actually like (that’s important!) a few times…and I’m still all awkward turtle. I realized I forgot how to date people. I have no idea how to be in a relationship that isn’t…weird. So what do I do? What do I say? What DO you say after you’ve just had sex with someone that you like and you’d like to hang out with again? Do you say “thanks, that was awesome”? Do you snuggle with them like it’s totally routine to be doing this? Do you offer them another beverage? In my head, it’s all shouting like “DON’T PUT YOUR HAND THERE FIX YOUR HAIR WHAT ARE YOU DOING DON’T MAKE THAT NOISE DON’T SAY WHAT YOU JUST THOUGHT DON’T DON’T DON’T DON’T”.
Which doesn’t sound like the beginning of something promising, but it’s the way it all goes in my head. Everything is shouty. And honestly, I have no idea what I’m doing right now. That’s not to say things are happening and I’m not wanting them to – it’s to say that I have no idea how to act. In the beginning of any relationship, regardless of in what capacity, there’s a lot of feeling things out (that’s what she said). You have to find out where the line is with the person. you have to know what sort of things you can and can’t say. You have figure out if they have personal space issues, if they don’t like when you crack your knuckles, if they fidget constantly, if they need to know the details of something before you can talk about stuff and on and on. When it becomes a relationship when you’re going to be dating (or taking your pants off. Whatever you want to call it), it becomes far more difficult in my head because I’m shouting “DON’T SCREW THIS UP!”
I’m doing my best to not screw this up. Because I like this. And it’s new and fun and early and there’s still so much that’s unknown. But I’m constantly wondering if I’m right in what I’m doing.
But then I think about how much fun I’m having. And how much I like getting to know someone. That makes me stop worrying – at least for a little while.
Tomorrow is my birthday. I don’t know how it happened either. I blinked and it went from Memorial day to the first day of fall. Where did the time go? Like, honestly. I have no idea.
Tomorrow, I will be turning 26. That’s a crazy thing to think about. There was a time I didn’t think I would be able to hold my life together until 23, nevermind 26. But I will be 26. Which is weird to say. Except I’ve decided I’m not turning 26. At least not just yet.
Last year at this time, I was falling apart. I had no job, I was barely scraping by financially, I was sick (SCREW YOU, LYME DISEASE), I was in a fake relationship and I was so sad I could hardly function. But I celebrated my 25th birthday surrounded by people that love me. I had a lovely dinner and cake with my parents. My most wonderful Soupsnake Lilo invited over some friends so that we could play Apples to Apples and enjoy cupcakes. And even though I was so sad it hurt me, it was okay. I had friends, I had love and I smacked a smile on my face for that night. The first 6 months of being 25 were shit. they were terrible. Everything that sucked when I first turned 25 kept on sucking until almost exactly 6 months later, March 24th.
I’ve decided I’m turning 25.2. I’m going to relive those first 6 months of being 25 because the first time? That was no way to spend 6 months of being a quarter of a century old. I’m going to up the awesome level. I’m going to smile and be nice to people (sorta. I make no promises it will happen all the time). I’m going to get back to the gym. I’m going work my tail off at work (not that it’s an option not to, but you know what I mean). I’m going to move home (boooooo) but I’m going to do my damnest not to let my mom get to me. I’m going to not be in a fake relationship with anyone because I’m so much better than that.
I’m going to take everything that I went through and re-do it. I’m going to make the first 6 months of 25 part 2 be freakin’ amazing. And it’s starting out right. We’re having bagels tomorrow at work for my birthday. I’m going to see the trainer after work. I’m going back to my parents house for Chinese take-out and birthday cake. And then, after all that, I’m going out with a boy for drinks. He’s well aware that it’s my birthday. It’s a ballsy move on his behalf, but he knows what’s at stake. I told him about the 25.2 endeavor. And I’m going to trust him enough (which is probably stupid) that he won’t screw it up. He is very nice and lovely. I’m sure that I will post more about him later – especially if it all goes well.
So tomorrow I relive it all – and honestly, I can’t waiÞ
This weekend…in 3 short days….I will be in Vermont.
I’ve never been so excited to go away for no good reason. We’re not doing anything special, the weather isn’t even going to be nice. But the idea of going somewhere and being able to do just about nothing – amazing.
I know I was on “vacation” for like, 8 months. It wasn’t the same. I was stressed and sad and cranky all the time. But going to a place that I’ve known and loved since childhood is kind of ideal.
I can spend the whole weekend relaxing. I won’t be at the animal shelter (don’t get me wrong, I love that. But I spend basically my whole Saturday there). I don’t have to worry about grocery shopping (at least until Monday). I won’t have to worry about laundry or what needs to get done or what I’m going to wear next week – because I’m going to be somewhere that it doesn’t matter.
And there’s going to be booze. Lots and lots of it. Actually, my job is to bring the booze to Vermont. And bring it I shall.
So for the next few days, my insanely happy and disturbing mood is all because I’m leaving…wahoo!
Unfortunately, my office does not have any Jim like characters. That makes me sad.
Life at the office is good. I’m learning lots of things and I have a feeling that I could be really good at this job – once someone shows me what I should be doing. It’s been a busy two weeks at the Marketing Place. They are all doing their performance reviews, which have to be presented to the senior heads of our department, and then to the senior head of the whole department. So everyone’s been busy and running around and no one really has time to train me. I’ve been asking the girls I work with to help me out, and they basically do.
These girls are all about my age (ranging from 22-28ish), but they all ignore me. Don’t get me wrong, they aren’t mean or anything. They just act like I’m not there. And that makes me come home and cry. Partially because I am all hormonal – partially because I’m a 13 year old girl and no one wants to be my friend.
I know that’s stupid. You don’t have to tell me.
It’s hard being at work when it seems like no one wants you to be around. All the girls in my department go to lunch with each other and eat lunch in the office with each other and joke around with each other – and I’m not included. So I eat lunch alone and do things alone and sometimes they invite me, but mostly they don’t. I don’t invite myself because I don’t want to be “THAT GIRL”. THAT GIRL that just thinks she’s a part of the gang when she’s not. I know I am not part of the gang yet, but I’d like to think with time that I would be. Right now, I’m still waiting outside the clubhouse.
I don’t expect everyone to immediately be my friend or even immediately like me. But I would expect that people would include me in things just so that I wouldn’t be the new girl and I wouldn’t feel so left out. I’ve always struggled to make friends. I just have no idea how. I don’t know how someone becomes your friend – I guess they just do.
So it’s been upsetting me. And it makes me feel like I’m in 6th grade again. I’m struggling because of it. I know it will get better and I’m still the new girl and so on – but it’s still not fun.
This week should be better because I can get more training from the senior people in the department and I can learn whole processes, instead of bits and pieces at a time.
At the big fancy Marketing Place, I have to be a Vanilla version of myself. I can’t laugh and smile and make everyone do the same. So at work, I’m not fun Vanilla Sarah. I tone myself down and don’t giggle at things and try to keep it all locked up. Which is hard. Which is why I send ridiculous emails to everyone to keep myself sane.
I am not good at being Vanilla. I’m like…Moose Tracks ice cream. Or something else with lots of good things in it. But I can only be Moose Tracks when I’m not at work. And that’s just one more thing I’m having a hard time with.
The job really is good though. I know I can learn everything I need to and seriously kick some ass once I get good. Or at least kick some ass of the Marketing Place Mean Girls.
Because on Wednesdays, they wear pink. And they can all return to their homes on Whore Island.
I was going to blog for the first time in like, weeks. I had a topic! I was going to write about making friends at my new temp job and how I want everyone to be my friend or at least have someone to have lunch with.
Also, there are many many boys there – and they are always milling about and I want to be their friends, but I’m too awkward in my own body to communicate with them.
Then I got offered a job in my field, paying better than I had been making at any job before, with an office with a gym and HEALTH insurance and VISION insurance and a 401K and you know A FULL TIME PERMANENT JOB.
So really, who cares if I make friends at the place I’m at now? I’ve been there for a week and this Friday is my last day. So huzzah for that and SOON I will have blog topics because SOON I will be employed just like the rest of you.
I am so excited for this there are no words to describe it. It’s been the longest 8 months ever. It’s worst than being pregnant (or so I’ve heard). But now it’s done and I can get back to being an adult again.
Or something like that.