The Office
Unfortunately, my office does not have any Jim like characters. That makes me sad.
Life at the office is good. I’m learning lots of things and I have a feeling that I could be really good at this job – once someone shows me what I should be doing. It’s been a busy two weeks at the Marketing Place. They are all doing their performance reviews, which have to be presented to the senior heads of our department, and then to the senior head of the whole department. So everyone’s been busy and running around and no one really has time to train me. I’ve been asking the girls I work with to help me out, and they basically do.
However.
These girls are all about my age (ranging from 22-28ish), but they all ignore me. Don’t get me wrong, they aren’t mean or anything. They just act like I’m not there. And that makes me come home and cry. Partially because I am all hormonal – partially because I’m a 13 year old girl and no one wants to be my friend.
I know that’s stupid. You don’t have to tell me.
It’s hard being at work when it seems like no one wants you to be around. All the girls in my department go to lunch with each other and eat lunch in the office with each other and joke around with each other – and I’m not included. So I eat lunch alone and do things alone and sometimes they invite me, but mostly they don’t. I don’t invite myself because I don’t want to be “THAT GIRL”. THAT GIRL that just thinks she’s a part of the gang when she’s not. I know I am not part of the gang yet, but I’d like to think with time that I would be. Right now, I’m still waiting outside the clubhouse.
I don’t expect everyone to immediately be my friend or even immediately like me. But I would expect that people would include me in things just so that I wouldn’t be the new girl and I wouldn’t feel so left out. I’ve always struggled to make friends. I just have no idea how. I don’t know how someone becomes your friend – I guess they just do.
So it’s been upsetting me. And it makes me feel like I’m in 6th grade again. I’m struggling because of it. I know it will get better and I’m still the new girl and so on – but it’s still not fun.
This week should be better because I can get more training from the senior people in the department and I can learn whole processes, instead of bits and pieces at a time.
At the big fancy Marketing Place, I have to be a Vanilla version of myself. I can’t laugh and smile and make everyone do the same. So at work, I’m not fun Vanilla Sarah. I tone myself down and don’t giggle at things and try to keep it all locked up. Which is hard. Which is why I send ridiculous emails to everyone to keep myself sane.
I am not good at being Vanilla. I’m like…Moose Tracks ice cream. Or something else with lots of good things in it. But I can only be Moose Tracks when I’m not at work. And that’s just one more thing I’m having a hard time with.
The job really is good though. I know I can learn everything I need to and seriously kick some ass once I get good. Or at least kick some ass of the Marketing Place Mean Girls.
Because on Wednesdays, they wear pink. And they can all return to their homes on Whore Island.
God only knows what I’d be without you
I was talking to Lilo today (that’s not the important part) and she was talking about sending something to someone that is important to her. She said that she liked having the people she loved know that they are appreciated.
Which got me to thinking because HELLO, NOTHING BUT FREE TIME OVER HERE.
I’ve had a rough couple of months in my life. I’ve been a needy, demanding, whining, bitching, complaining, crying mess. Like, a lot. I have relied on people more than I should have, done things I didn’t mean to do and lashed out at those that just wanted to help.
But did I ever tell anyone how much I appreciated what they were doing for me?
It’s easy to tell someone that they mean something to you in the heat of the moment. Or maybe it’s their birthday. Otherwise, how often do you look at your friends and just thank them for being them, for being friends with you, for being supportive and lovely and just not leaving you when times are tough.
Of course, if they left you in tough times, that doesn’t make them a friend. It makes them a shithead. That’s neither here nor there.
I think that I mostly make it clear to the people that have been my main support system that I can’t ever thank them enough for being here. They’ve listened and cried and shouted right along with me. I couldn’t have survived all of this without my friends. I need them to know how much I appreciate them – not just for the past few months, but for the past years that I’ve known them. I need to thank newer friends for stepping up to the plate and accepting everything I’m throwing their way. And so I will.
I also started thinking about all the people I’ve been supportive of. Some of those people don’t ask for a lot from me. Some of my friends I didn’t even realize that I was being supportive when I was because whatever I was doing was so slight or so easy. I helped them out – that is what’s important. Yet I have other friends that have just assumed that I’m going to be there to pick everything up, patch it back together and unconditionally love them.
That’s not to say that I’m not guilty of the same thing. I know I am. I would like to right that.
It makes you wonder. If these people just think that I’m going to be the one to help them – what if I don’t? Does that make me a bad friend for wanting someone to say “hey, thanks for all you do”? Probably. It doesn’t stop me from wanting to do that. It doesn’t stop me from wishing that I could make friends of mine, from the past and present, realize that I’m important.
Again, that’s kind of selfish.
And yet, I can’t stop myself from helping.
Everyone likes being needed. Everyone wants to be wanted. Sometimes that little extra mile to thank someone for merely existing in your life is all it takes.
Funemployment- week 2!
Although I’ve said vague things about it, I really haven’t gone into details about the fact that I no longer have a job.
Aside from my whining about it here and on twitter. Deal with it.
Thursday before the wedding, BStP called me into his office. I didn’t think much of it, because he does that sometimes. Then he closed the door and started talking. Since I’m a mature adult in control of my emotions, I started crying hysterically and freaking out. What else was I supposed to do? I have just moved out, I was going to be broke because of the wedding and I REALLY LOVED MY JOB. Which isn’t my job anymore. But whatever. Then I got to leave work and drive the 4 hours to Vermont and try not to cry the entire way.
I was lucky that I had Lilo and Pam and A to talk to along the way. My coworker Natalie also got laid off (along with 2 other coworkers) so she and I have been commiserating about our situation. Except she already has a new job and I am still funemployed.
Last week I went to Foxwoods one day to play bingo, I went for long walks, I went to my friend’s pool and had lunch with my grandparents and went to drop off W at college in Vermont.
Now I have no idea what day of the week it is and I’m starting to get bored. I’m going to have to find a whole bunch of new hobbies to amuse myself. And the first hobby is going to be finding a new job!
I’ve applied to a few places so far, but nothing yet. The school that J used to go to is looking for someone to work in the office. While that isn’t ideal, it still is a job. With a paycheck. And an opportunity to meet new people and have new experiences. I’m waiting for them to call me so that I can get cracking on that. It’s not that I don’t enjoy waking up late and doing nothing all day, but it feels weird to be doing so. I feel like I’m not supposed to be screwing around like this, but there’s really nothing else for me to do.
I go back and forth about not having a job. Some days I look at it as a great chance for me to do something different – to go back to school, to find a totally new career path, to just break out and do something crazy – whatever. Most days though, I just feel dumb and stupid and lame and like a failure. I know being laid off is not my fault. I know that I didn’t do anything to make them want to get rid of me (aside from being low man on the totem pole, I guess). I still feel like a totally reject when I admit that there are things I can’t do now that I don’t have a job. I felt really lame when I was filing for unemployment yesterday. I never thought that my life would be this way – I never thought that once everything finally came together, it would all fall apart.
It did. Now I’m here.
So in week two of funemployment, I am going to knit more and work out more. I’m going to make peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. I’m going to make dinner so Lilo has something to eat when she comes home. I’m going to clean up around here, do laundry, not make a mess, do the dishes. I’m going to smile, find jobs, read more and be a nice girl. I’m not going to cry and be upset and pout. Those things do not change the situation I’m in.
I know that I will find something. I just have no idea when that might be. It’s hard not knowing when things will change. I just know that they have to.
Adventures in driving standard!
I commented briefly on how learning to drive a standard car is going. Here’s another update: I suck.
No really. I seriously do. But bless A’s heart, he’s not totally disgusted with me stalling out his car every 10 minutes. And that’s really what it was on Friday.
I started out okay. I was driving just fine. I got out of the driveway, I didn’t stall….and then…well, there was a hill. A tiny hill. And I lost my cool. People started honking at me. My nerves were shattered. There was a hill that wasn’t even that big, but I stalled a few times on it. We had to pull over so A could drive.
We went back to my house and decided to start again. That was just fine with me. I thought A and I could drive up to see future Cupcake Land. The roads we were going to drive on were mostly flat and didn’t involve me having to stop so much. WRONG. I WAS SO WRONG.
I got to a stop sign..stalled…cars honked, I cried. Got to the next stop sign and I was fine. Got to a third stop sign..stalled, cars honked. Got to a stop light and I was fine. After the 4th stop, I was shaking pretty hard. My nerves were totally shot and I was on edge. A kept on telling me that things were fine and I would be fine and there’s nothing that I could do to screw up his car or anything. I did not believe him.
We got to a light on the way to Cupcake Land and I stalled at it 4 times. I had to get out and let A drive because I just couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t make myself concentrate enough to drive. It was sad and I was super upset because it was just so lame.
And it’s not even that I can’t figure it out. It’s that my ratio of clutch to gas when shifting from a stop to first sucks so bad. I don’t know how to fix it. I mean, I suppose I do, but I have to go back to driving in parking lots until I can get a hold of myself and not get so upset when I drive. It’s silly that I get upset because it’s not like driving is new to me – it’s the shifting part. Once I get past first gear, I’m fine. I can cruise along in 2nd or 3rd or whatever and not have any issues. It’s getting there that throws me off.
At this rate, I will never ever drive the camaro. I’m starting to think that I’m okay with it. Besides, I don’t think that my parents want someone as spazzy as me behind the wheel. Although W can drive it – and I’m seriously more responsible than he is. I mean, he’s an 18 year old boy. He wants to pick up the ladies. I would just use it for boys to look at me. Clearly they wouldn’t be the boys that I want to date and they would not want to date me either, merely have sexy times with the car…but whatever. Close enough.
I think A and I are going to try it one more time. I’m hoping it won’t be craptastic times again, but I think that it might be. I don’t know when we will go driving, but I totally need a long break from being behind the wheel of his car.
I just need to remember – there’s no crying in driving stick.
(Also, that’s what she said.)
Training session 3 – the one where I get hurt
Okay training session 3. I was all ready to go. I was like…bouncy pants. I left work, I was excited and I made it almost on time (srsly rt 7).
So I did my warm up on the bike and Lisa the Trainer said “oh look, STAIRS”. We went to the stairs. First I was running up and down two sets of stairs. For a while. I don’t know how long. It made me nervous though because the stairs were short (meaning that my entire foot didn’t fit on the stair) and I was worried as I bounded down the stairs that I would fall on my face.
Lisa the Trainer told me that she would catch me and I called her a liar.
Then I was supposed to run up the stairs 2 at a time. So I did. I kept on thinking I was going to fall on my face and then I would break my teeth and then I would have to go to the dentist and I would cry and OMG how could I be that much of a fail? These are great things to think as you’re running up the stairs. I highly recommend it.
After we were done running up and down and NOT FALLING down the stairs, we went back into the gym to do some more squats. Which I totally love. Sort of. Maybe. Anyway, I started doing squats with the 10 pound medicine ball when all of the sudden I started to get a stabby pain in my butt. I ignored it at first because I thought maybe it was just a stabby pain and that was that.
HA. WRONG.
I did a few more squats. Pain got worse. I told Lisa the Trainer. She was like “okay, we’re done with this. Now we’re going to stretch”. That meant that I was lying on the ground and she was pushing my legs in all sorts of directions and massaging my butt. It was sexy for real.
Actually, her rubbing my butt was the most action I’ve gotten in a long time. Which is sad. And I wanted to tell her that but I figured that might be a little inappropriate.
(And since her trying to make the muscles in my butt stop seizing up was like…you know, the most anyone’s touched my butt in months, going to see the lady pocket doctor is going to be like…whoa. I’m going to need to lie down after that.)
(Ew)
Lisa the Trainer kept on stretching my legs, asking me what hurt and where and how bad. Then she cracked my back by accident…which was awesome. She told me to call or text her today and let her know how my butt feels and if it was still tight I could come back in and she would stretch it out again.
So far it feels pretty okay. I stretched more last night and again this morning and I’ll stretch again when I get home and let her know.
I walked out of the gym with my head held high…at least until Lisa the Trainer couldn’t see me anymore. And then I started crying. A lot. I felt so dumb and lame and just stupid and fat when that happened. I’m not totally a work out fiend, but I work out enough that I feel like that shouldn’t have happened. Granted, I don’t run up stairs 2 at a time, but still. It was just really discouraging. And I know. I know my body doesn’t want me to work as hard as I’m making it work. I know that those muscles aren’t being used all the time. But I felt like a real failure. I know Lisa the Trainer could sense it. She kept on telling me that it was okay and that stuff like this happens and she gave me a big hug when I left. I know it’s nothing to be embarrassed about, but still. I just felt like although training hasn’t been easy, it hasn’t killed me either.
I called Lilo once I got into my car and I started crying to her. I was so overwhelmingly upset about something that is seemingly so dumb. Then I got upset about the fact that I was upset. So I kept on crying.
I finally pulled myself together and went on with my night. As I said before, I feel fine now, mostly. I know that there was nothing I could do to prevent what happens and I fear that it might happen again. I’m not giving up though. I’m just going to try harder and hope that my body wants to play along with me too.
Getting my ass kicked…
Last night was my evaluation session with my new trainer. She’s my mom’s friend’s daughter and I’ve known her since I was little…but we were never close or anything. She’s very nice and sweet and I think that she’ll be a good trainer for me.
Regardless. She measured me (that was sad) and weighed me and got my BMI and all sorts of other things that reminded me that losing 40 pounds still makes you fat. I kind of wanted to cry.
Then she had me do sit ups. I did like 50 of those. Then I did a punch of pushups. Then I did jumping jacks. Then I did some squats. It was allllllllll just so much great fun. This morning I woke up and I wondered why my shoulders were sore. I thought it was because I slept in a ball curled up on my side (which I don’t normally do). Then I remembered the 15 pushups I did (from my knees, not actual ones) and now I can understand.
Basically, I’ll be seeing her twice a week and doing cardio things 3 times a week and having my ass kicked and I think that’s the way that it needs to be. I’d like to tone myself up for the wedding, but you never know if that will actually work. I know that Lisa (that would be the trainer) did a great job helping her mom out and her mom lost like, 5 inches from her waist or something. Of course, I have no idea how often they met or what they did or how long that took.
But it’s almost June, I’ll be seeing her twice a week for a little over a month and I can maybe get something done in the 2 months leading up until the wedding, right? Yes, I hope so. It’s already bad enough that my dress has to be taken in just about everywhere, but as long as it is, let’s make it have to be taken in more. Maybe I can be kinda cute at the wedding? Yes?
If that makes sense. Which I don’t think it does.
But expect to get updates every time I go to the trainer. If I can move my arms, that is. Otherwise maybe I’ll just hit my head on the keyboard and hope that words come out.
I know I had a bad week this week and that I gained weight, but whatever. Today is hitting the reset button and I’m going back to eating like a normal person that eats when they are hungry and not when they want to cry at work. Or cry because they are fat. Or something like that. Eating because you feel fat doesn’t really make much sense either. I know I could have had all sorts of bad things last night…and I just had a Dr. Pepper. A REGULAR ONE, OMG. But it was sooooooooo good. I needed that. It was my one sweet thing.
Also, I got sort of into playing rock band last night and now my voice is sort of gone. Way to go. I can’t be trusted with video games either.
