Getting away

April 13, 2010 at 8:08 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , )

This weekend…in 3 short days….I will be in Vermont.

I’ve never been so excited to go away for no good reason.  We’re not doing anything special, the weather isn’t even going to be nice.  But the idea of going somewhere and being able to do just about nothing – amazing.

I know I was on “vacation” for like, 8 months.  It wasn’t the same.  I was stressed and sad and cranky all the time.  But going to a place that I’ve known and loved since childhood is kind of ideal.

I can spend the whole weekend relaxing.  I won’t be at the animal shelter (don’t get me wrong, I love that.  But I spend basically my whole Saturday there).  I don’t have to worry about grocery shopping (at least until Monday).  I won’t have to worry about laundry or what needs to get done or what I’m going to wear next week – because I’m going to be somewhere that it doesn’t matter.

And there’s going to be booze.  Lots and lots of it.  Actually, my job is to bring the booze to Vermont.  And bring it I shall.

So for the next few days, my insanely happy and disturbing mood is all because I’m leaving…wahoo!

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A choice to be made

November 13, 2009 at 4:17 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , )

Lilo and I were talking today (as we do. All day. Every day. I need more friends, srsly. LUBS LILO) and we got into a discussion about cupcakes and muffins.

I don’t mean what cupcakes and muffins actually are, but metaphorically speaking – cupcakes vs. muffins. It seems so stupid, but it’s not. The question is: do you want to be a cupcake
red velvet cupcake

or do you want to be a muffin?

Muffins and cupcakes, while very much the same, are not. They use mostly the same ingredients, you make them in the same pans, you cook them for about the same amount of time – but they are different. You can’t be making some cupcakes and decide halfway through that you are going to make them muffins instead. Cupcakes are cupcakes and muffins are muffins.

Muffins you eat for breakfast. They are a little bit drier. They have weirdo things like bran in them. Muffins stand alone. You don’t ever have a super excellent muffin that you feel the need to tell everyone about. Or maybe you do. But I don’t.

Cupcakes are treats. People lust after cupcakes. They are sweet and delicious and filled with happiness and joy and kittens. People WANT cupcakes. Everyone LOVES cupcakes. What do you have for your birthday when you’re a kid? Cupcakes. What do a lot of people serve at their weddings? MOTHERFUCKING CUPCAKES.

But being a muffin or a cupcake isn’t about your taste buds. It’s about who you are and what you want. It’s about relationships. No, really.

If you’re a muffin, you don’t want a relationship. You’re fine on your own. You go with the flow, you can find whatever you want wherever you need it. You stand alone as a muffin. Sometimes you have a delightful flavor, but mostly you’re just weird. But you’re okay being a muffin. There isn’t anything wrong with muffins…as long as you know that’s what you want. If you can commit to being a muffin, then you’re okay. You don’t lie about your muffin ways and you don’t pretend like you’re secretly a cupcake.

Cupcakes, on the other hand, are relationships. Cupcakes are two people that compliment each other well combined into a tasty treat. Cupcakes are complex and fun and interesting and when you have a really really really good one, you don’t forget about it. That cupcake sticks with you.

Everyone I know is a cupcake. Sort of. I’m probably more of a super tasty vanilla cupcake. And the guys that I have dated are the frosting to my cupcakes ways (TWSS). So I’ve dated guys that mixed well with my vanilla cupcake self. Lee was wonderful strawberry frosting – sweet and uncomplicated. The worst boyfriend ever was BBQ sauce. That doesn’t go with a vanilla cupcake at all, but if you want to smash them together and pretend like it works, no one is going to stop you. So I’m looking for a boy that’s the frosting that I need to complete my cupcake self. You can date many boys. They all are different flavors. But until you find the frosting you need, you’re just a cupcake without anything.

I’m not a muffin. I’m a cupcake. You can’t change a cupcake into a muffin by just scraping off the frosting and lying through your teeth. The frosting might be gone, but the remnants of it are still there. You can’t erase them by just making them go away. And you can’t decide when you’re in the middle of a cupcake relationship that what you really want is a muffin non-relationship.

You need to know what it is you want when you get started. You need to know what you want to accomplish.

You need to make the choice to be a muffin or a cupcake.

I’m a cupcake – what are you?

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WHERE ARE ALL THE PANTS?

October 15, 2009 at 9:42 am (Uncategorized) (, , , )

I was invited (aren’t I lucky?) to go to a re-employment meeting this week.  I was just enraged overjoyed to be invited.  Since I was going to this meeting I thought that I should make a good impression and not wear jeans.  Khakis seemed like the right kind of pants to wear.

I’m at this weird point where I’m in between sizes.  So nothing I own really fits me exactly right.  Since the last time I bought khakis I was 2 sizes bigger than I am now, I figured I could splurge from my unemployment budget and buy a pair of khakis.  I wouldn’t say that I’m thin by any means, but I’m not quite as fat as I was.  I’m at a size that they carry at most reasonable stores.   How hard could it be to find khaki pants, I thought?

Oh, and aside from being not a fat size, but not a skinny size either, I’m tall.  I generally buy tall pants with a longer inseam so that they will fit.  And more stores carry tall pants, so how would that be an issue?

Those were my first two mistakes.

First,  Lilo and I went to Kohl’s to find some pants.  I kind of love Kohl’s.  If you can take the time to look around, you can find some really great things.  I’ve gotten a lot of fabulous things there and I thought that I could just find some pants there because I’ve found pants there before.  I forgot that all the pants I found were capris.  I found some pairs of pants in the right size at Kohl’s and tried them on.  FAIL.  When pants aren’t long enough, the crotch of the pants is at the wrong place and just looks awkward.  And you turn all muffin toppy.  So those were out.

I was not discouraged.  I was going to go to the mall on Monday.  THE MALL.  Think of all the stores in the mall!  I could totally find pants there because there are so many places that sell pants.  It would all be good as far as I was concerned.

3rd mistake.

I went in to all the stores at the mall that I have bought pants from.  I went into the Gap, Old Navy, Anne Taylor, Anne Taylor Loft, Macy’s, Lord and Taylor and some other places.  NO FUCKING PANTS.  NO FUCKING PANTS ANYWHERE.  I tried on at least 15 pairs of pants and none of them fit.  And why didn’t any of them fit?  BECAUSE I WAS TOO TALL.  FOR THE PANTS.  NO WHERE were there tall sized pants in bigger sizes.  NOWHERE was helpful.  I left the mall shouting and making all sorts of noise.  What good is the mall if I can’t find pants that fit me?  FUCK YOU, COMMERCE.

I’ve started my search online for pants.  It’s bullshit that I have to resort to the internet to find pants, but whatever.  If that’s how you want to play it, stores in the mall, then that’s how you want to play it.  I never used to have a problem finding tall pants in stores, but apparently some tall person somewhere in the universe pissed off the pants gods of all these stores and POOF.  No more tall pants for you.

I just found a pair of khaki pants online at Old Navy.  Sometimes not all of Old Navy’s sizes fit the same way, but I’m taking a chance to see if these pants work.  I also found out that Old Navy sells tall pants and long pants.  Yes, there is a difference.  The long pants are shorter than the tall pants.  Who would have ever guessed?  Not me, that’s for damn sure.

Now I have learned my lesson.  I will never be able to buy pants in a store again because I’m too tall.  For pants.  Damn you, height.  DAMN YOU TO HELL.

And maybe another day I will recount my exciting adventure at the re-employment meeting.  Just thinking about it makes my blood boil.  How do people like the ones in that meeting actually exist in the real world?  I need to know.

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Welcome to my neighborhood

September 7, 2009 at 9:02 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , )

I haven’t posted in basically forever.  That wasn’t my plan.  I guess my long days of doing nothing have gotten away from me.  I do cook and bake a lot and go for walks every day – but blogging has been out of my mind.  Even my google reader is totally out of control.  I can’t bring myself to mark all of them as read, but maybe I will have to if I can’t get through everything.  Man, my life is so hard.

Anyway.

I haven’t really said much about Cupcake Land.  We live in a very interesting neighborhood, to say the least.  Here’s a quick (and absolutely incomplete) rundown of the people that live here too.

  • The Lady Next Door – We haven’t really talked to her all that much and you would think that we would, given that she’s just on the other side of the wall.  But we don’t.  Her mother lives in the apartment with her, as well as her daughter.  And then there’s her dog.  Julie.  Julie is a tiny little terrier of some form.  Julie is allowed to just roam around the neighborhood, going wherever she pleases.  This is a dog that I could basically step on and crush and the dog is running around, trying to avoid being hit by cars.  WTF? 
  • The Douchebag Across the Street – This guy I decided I hated really early on.  Seriously.  He’s a twatwaffle for sure.  He drives a corvette (maybe a 2001 or a 2002) and it’s all black – the windows are tinted really dark, the rims on his tires are black – you get what I mean.  But this car, which should be a nice piece of muscle car, is not.  He’s got a hole in his exhaust and instead of his car sounding sexy, it makes a putputput noise.  REALLY LOUDLY.  ALL THE TIME.  He drives the car like an asshole.  It wakes me up when I’m asleep.  I hate this man.  I do not know who he is, but I hate him.  Whenever he comes home, I start shouting out the window that I will end him.  Because really?   FIX YOUR FUCKING EXHAUST.
  • Crazypants and Jake – This family lives diagionally across from us.  There are about 4 boys that live there – the oldest one can’t be older than 7.  Jake is the youngest one and he gets yelled at ALL THE TIME.  He’s a troublemaker, that Jake.  His mother shouts at him and tells him that he can’t go outside or can’t go inside or that she’s not going to take a picture of him.  You wonder why he’s such a pain in the ass.  Then we realized who his father is.  His father was trimming the lawn last weekend in pajama pants with candy canes on them.  In the summer.  In the front lawn.  Dude – really?  You can’t even put on shorts?  Two days ago, he was grilling in the driveway wearing tie-dye parachute pants.  No, he really was.  We don’t know why he dresses like this, but damn, it’s amusing.
  • The Creepo Whistleblower – There’s this very very old man that lives in the house behind ours.  One of the first days that we were in the house, we saw him sitting on a rock in between our yard and their yard.  We thought he was dead.  He wasn’t moving and his dog wasn’t moving and WTF?  We then found out that he liked to sit on that rock in the backyard and LOOK AT LILO while she was in the bathroom.  We had to get curtains – and fast.  This Creepo Whistleblower Old Man also walks around the block about 20 times a day.  I’m not kidding – he’s always walking around the block with his tiny little dog that has to be just as old as he is.  I don’t know why they walk around so much, but they do.  When the dog gets lost or something, the Creepo Old Man starts blowing a whistle.  Like a whistle like a soccer coach or a ref would use.  It took me over a month to figure out who the hell was blowing that whistle, but I did on Saturday.  DAMN YOU CREEPO OLD MAN.  I hate that he watches us all the time.  What a freaky weirdo.
  • Duffduffduff – There’s a pug that lives further down the street.  He’s outside more or less the time.  He doesn’t have the ability to bark or something, so instead of barking, he makes a noise that sounds like “DUFFDUFFDUFF”.  Lilo and I love it.  We walk by his house and taunt him on purpose just so that he will bark. 
  • The Children – There are about 30 kids in this neighborhood.  There are a lot of families here and they apparently all don’t use birth control.  These kids spend their afternoons running around the neighborhood SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF THEIR LUNGS DON’T YOU KNOW HOW IMPORTANT THEY ARE OMG SCREAMING TIME.  It’s really hard to not go outside and smack all of them.  If they were out in a field screaming or running around in the park screaming – that’s fine.  But they are in a busy neighborhood with cars zipping by and I DON’T KNOW, MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T FUCKING SCREAM I AM GOING TO BEAT YOU ALL.  It’s really annoying.  These are like, 13 year old boys.  I know they don’t know any better, but still.  Shut up before I shut you up.  FOREVER.
  • The Lady – I only saw this lady once.  It was such a magical experience, I almost drove into a tree.  I was driving up the street and I saw an overweight woman, somewhere between age 19 and 30, in brightly colored leggings…riding a big wheel.  In her driveway.  I haven’t figured out where exactly she lives or why she did that, but I long to see it again.  It was amazing.  SRSLY.
  • The Dog – This dog lives in the house next to where the Creepo Whistleblower Old Man lives.  The family leaves the dog outside so the dog barks.  All day.  The dog just barks all day.  The family is in the house and the dog is BARKING and OMG.  I love dogs.  I really do.  I understand that they bark sometimes and that’s fine.  But when a dog has been barking all day?  Could you please let the dog in or go outside or something so that I don’t completely lose my mind?  Plz?

That’s just the quick rundown of people who live here that are not as cool as Lilo and I.  I mean, that’s basically everyone that isn’t as cool as Lilo and I, but they don’t know that.  They damn well should, however.  I will be sure to tell them.

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It’s now a proven fact

July 10, 2009 at 10:19 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , )

I’ve said often that I live in the zoo.  Or that I live with crazy people.  Or everyone in my house should be locked away.

Or the most logical explanation, which is that I’m on a secret reality TV show – a show so secret that no one even knows we’re on it.  I figure that’s the most logical because there’s no way that I can ever really explain what the hell goes on at my house. 

Anyway.

We have 3 dogs and a cat at my house.  It’s a zoo to begin with.  The cat (Ollie) is a stone cold killer.  He spends his days eating and eating and eating and taunting birds and then eating birds.  Or mice.  This past week he killed a mole and brought it home.  He then continued to smack the dead mole as if to prove that yes, it’s really dead.  We get it Ollie.  YOU KILL THINGS FOR FUN.  He spends most mornings lying beneath the crab apple tree, swatting at the barn swallows just to piss them off.

He also waits in the bushes at my neighbor’s house so he can jump out and scare their kids.  Lilo believes that Ollie is a servant of the devil.  I agree.  Stupid cat.

Last night, one of the dogs (that would be Jake) was wandering around outside, looking for other animals to destroy.  He’s kind of like Ollie in that sense.  Jake found a baby bunny and it was in his mouth.  I guess W got it away from Jake before he could kill it.  Now the baby bunny is in a cage in the basement and my parents are feeding it.  According to W, it’s about the size of a baseball and they don’t want to let it go because the dogs will just try to eat it again. 

My mom has figured out the opportunity to have a new pet.  She’s always wanted rabbits and chickens and now ONE OF HER DREAMS CAN COME TRUE.  I’m not going to try to talk any sense into her about this because her brain should tell her that if the dogs tried to eat the bunny once, they are going to try again.  I don’t know if my dad will be okay with it, but I suppose I’ll find out soon. 

I bet that she will say that my dad doesn’t allow her to have chickens so she should be allowed to keep the bunny.  Who cares if it was a wild bunny?!  Who cares if bunnies do NOTHING?!  Who cares where it lives?!  It’s a pet!  HUZZAH.

This is what I’m coming home to, after 2 weeks at Lilo’s to mind the ratbabies.  This insanity.  There’s no way that this entire thing is real.  It’s just not possible for all this stuff to happen to one person.  Except it clearly is because I live it every day.  Thank God I’m moving out soon.

I’ve decided to name the bunny Bunnicula.  Why?  Because I’m a book nerd, okay?  THAT’S WHY.

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Weird feelings all around

June 29, 2009 at 7:55 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , )

This weekend was the big blowout graduation party at my house, so I think I’m still recovering and that might add to why I feel so off.  It was such a good party – none of the kids were crying, no one was fighting and everything went off without a hitch.  The weather was PERFECT for the first time in a month.  Seriously, a month.  Jeezer Connecticut, let’s pull it together.

So needless to say, I woke up on Sunday with a massive hangover.  It was not good times.  I straighted myself out in time for A to come over and have some lunch with my family (tasty leftovers for all!) and then he was going to teach me to drive standard.  I did okay, I think.  At least A says that I did.  I only stalled out a few times (..okay, 5 times) but otherwise it was good.   I didn’t hurt his car either and that to me was more important.  I was panicked when I first started driving mostly because I know that he LOVES his car and you know, hurting that would mean that we would no longer be friends and that would make me all sorts of sad.  I told A he has to take me out again so that I can drive some more and yo uknow, not so much be with the sucking from shifting from neutral to first.  That’s where my problems are.  Shifting while I’m driving is no problem at all.  I iz awesome.

Once we got back to my house and A reported to my brother about my driving skills, A left.  Then I was totally overwhelmed by sadness.  I don’t know why.  I just felt like laying down and not getting back up and that weird, aching feelings took over.  I was in a funk for most of the afternoon because of it.  I tried to shake it but I don’t know how.  Maybe I’m just lonely or something.  I know I shouldn’t be because I’m always around people that I like and enjoy being around.  Perhaps summertime makes me lonely because everything is alive and shiny and we haven’t seen the sun here and I just feel like blah.

Even to think about how sad I was yesterday is making me sad.  You know when you hear a really sweet love song and all you can think about is being in that moment with someone that you really care about?  That’s sort of what I’m going through.  Except I don’t know who that person would be to go through that moment with me.  I don’t  know what he looks like or who he is because sometimes I’m convinced that he doesn’t actually exist.  I used to have a person I would imagine would be feeling those feelings with me – and that person isn’t what I need anymore.  So I’m left imagining nothing? 

It’s really hard to put into words exactly what I’m feeling.  I feel so alone and so alive and so sad and yet so happy (mostly because there might be sun for like, 10 minutes today.  And that’s such an improvement from last week) and it’s so weird.  I’m absolutely panicked about moving out (because Cupcake Land has been found, which is another post for another day) and  I don’t know what to do.  I need to get in control of my emotions and realize that I’m being silly.  I just need to get my head straight. 

I need to repeat to myself that I’m moving out and I have to reason to be worried.  I need to realize that things are so much different now than they were before.  I need to repeat that I won’t be sad and lonely forever because that’s just not possible.  I need to smile more, laugh more, dance around more.  I need to stop worrying about things I can’t change.  I need to get excited about a 4 day workweek, seeing friends this weekend, finally getting my dress fitting over with, the countdown to the wedding being less than a month, possible sunshine this week, J graduating, keeping going with Lisa the Trainer, working out, changing, moving, growing, being.

Now…here’s to making these things happen.

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And so

May 24, 2009 at 10:31 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , )

Today I saw A.  Which I was all OMG WHAT DO I DO? about yesterday.  But today I was better.  And we had fun.  We watched the Venture Bros and laughed a lot and that was good.  He made an appearance with me at a family picnic because he’s a good guy.  We went to the burger bar where the Peege WAS NOT PLAYING.  That was kind of unacceptable.  Dinner, on the other hand, was great.

We went back to his house.  He got into his bed and I got into his bed and he asked me if I wanted to snuggle.  I told him I sure did (whore.  That’s me).  Then he said something about mixed messages…and that’s when it began.

So I told him that I was his ungirlfriend.  That it was like we were in a relationship without all the good parts.  I told him that I was there for him emotionally and I didn’t mind being there…but you know, it was weird.  And we talked about.  We talked it out.  Our options boiled down to us never speaking again, because we can’t figure out how to “un-relationship” us or both of us just sort of riding it out.  Which isn’t the better option.  But we both agreed that we didn’t want to stop talking.  I like A and I like having him around.  He suggested we stop talking for a while, but then we both realized nothing will be solved by that.  He said that he shouldn’t talk to me so often and I said that he doesn’t really.  It was a weird but very important conversation.  I feel like things were cleared up…but they weren’t, all at once. 

A admited his fear of commitment and how you know, being in a relationship with someone is commitment.  He seems to think that something better is in store for him and there very well might be.  But the way he says it, it sounds like he’ll never be happy.  I wanted to shout at him “THAT GIRL IS LOOKING YOU IN THE FACE, IDIOTHEAD” but I didn’t.  I really didn’t.  I just looked at him and hoped he would get it.  I hoped that at one point that he would say that we should try things again.

He didn’t.

That made me sad.  It still makes me sad.  But things are out in the open now.  It was awkward, but now we’re on the same page.  He said that yes, he did take me for granted and that wasn’t fair to me.  He acknowledged that he might use me emotionally without really realizing it.  Then he said that this un-relationship we have is the opposite from what every guy would want with an ex.  Most guys want sex and no emotions.  A has emotions and no sex.  This way, this no sex way?  SO NOT FUN.

Where does that leave things now?  Well, it makes it so that the lines of communication are open between us.  It means that I have to tell A when it starts getting hurtful and uncomfortable for me (which is every day, mostly).  I have to tell him when I’m getting frustrated with it.  He brought up that maybe it’s just a phase – like maybe this is what’s happening now, but it will end.  Maybe it will.  Or maybe it won’t.  There’s no way of telling really.  Things are going to stay the same, I guess.  It isn’t what I wanted or what I hoped for, but things went well.  We talked like adults and addressed things and cleared the air a bit.

But not all the way.  There are things that I still don’t know how to say to him.

He walked me to his front door and hugged me.  I kissed him on his cheek and said “you’re a really good guy, A.  You really are.”

“I know,” he said

So then I told him that he was an asshole.  Trust me, he deserved it.

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Quick thing

April 18, 2009 at 9:03 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , )

I was at happy hour on Thursday night with some coworkers and they were asking me about A.  I guess some of them didn’t know that we had broken up (way to be 3 months behind, guys) and they were asking about all the stuff that’s been going on (the flirting, going with me to the wedding maybe, us hanging out as friends) and I told them what I knew.

Then our newest coworker looked at me and said “maybe you’re his Winnie Cooper”

That thought rolled around in my head for all of thursday night.  Am I his Winnie? I don’t want to be.  I don’t want to be that girl, you know?

Last night I had a dream that A got a new girlfriend and that he totally ignored me.  I woke up and I was upset about it.  I know I can’t stop him from getting a girlfriend and that’s really not the issue.  The issue is that we have something…special (sounds cheesy, I know) right now and once another girl comes into the picture, I really don’t think she’s going to like the fact that he makes me grilled cheese sandwiches.  Or that I make him cupcakes.  I like being the special cupcake girl in his life.  I like this friendship that we have.  But I do know lots of girls don’t like their boyfriends hanging out with exgirlfriends.

It’s not like he has all sorts of free time now anyway, but with a girl in the picture, he would have even less.  I won’t accept the fact that he won’t be my friend (or whatever mess we’re in right now).

I know that I only feel this way because of the dream I had and how upsetting it was.  Once I start dating someone new (which at this rate will be the Tuesday after never, for real), I won’t notice if A gets someone new.  But I want to think that things between us won’t change because either one of us starts dating someone else.

It  would have been so much easier if I were to just cut him out of my life completely.  But I couldn’t.  He’s calming, he’s sweet, and he’s kept me grounded at times.  I owe him lots of things, including cupcakes.

I just wish I knew what to say to him.

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..but I haven’t killed anyone yet

April 14, 2009 at 9:48 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , )

Well well well.

Today, I went to ask the Match.com boy what we are doing tomorrow.  He asked me what the hell I was talking about.

F MY LIFE.

Apparently he never got my IM where I said “YES, WEDNESDAY PLZ”, even though we were chatting through google chat, and I know that your IMs get sent to your email account if you’re not online.  Fact.

So he claimed that he never got this IM, but I forwarded him the conversation when I said yes to Wednesday. 

 Instead of being considerate and logical about things (things being my response to whether I wanted to hang out), he went off and made other plans.  Thanks, buddy.

After he realized what happened, he didn’t offer another day for us to hang out.  I told him he could let me know when he had some more time.  I think that’s as snarky as I could be without totally losing my shit on him. 

Losing my cool would have made me the crazy girl.  I don’t want to be the crazy girl.  BUT there’s nothing I hate more in this world than people making and breaking plans.  And this?  Not an excuse.  He already had his one excuse where he said that a family member of his was very ill and he was going to have to take a raincheck.  Fine.  I’ll give you that.

Now though?  Now I’m just pissed and annoyed and you used your get out of jail free card.  I’m not trying anymore.  I’m not offering times and places and doing all the work.  The way I see it, if this guy really liked me, he would have been way more apologetic about the entire thing and THEN offered another day for us to hang out.  He didn’t. 

I can’t even find the words to express how I feel.  I’m so pissed off that he would just be such a moron and I’m so annoyed at myself for getting worked up over really nothing and I’m done with every guy in my life because NONE OF THEM can do anything that they say they will.  NONE of them can make plans on their own.  ALL of them make me want to punch a baby. 

Maybe I’m being a little irrationally angry right now.  Maybe.  I can’t tell this boy any of this because then I’ll be the crazy girl.  I can’t let on that I’m so peeved with him that I would smack him in the face.  Instead I’ll be the ice queen and give him the cold shoulder and you know what?  He’ll figure it out.  If that makes him stop talking to me, then so be it.  I’m not putting up with this from some guy that supposedly is interested in me.  If you’re interested, YOU FIND TIME. If you can’t find any, then you do/say something that makes me know that yes, you are busy right now but it’s not like you dislike me.  You don’t go around making other plans and doing other things and make me seem like an idiot.

I’m probably too good for this guy.  But I don’t know for sure.  Even if I am, I think someone needs to put him in his place.  That so could be me.

Also, the fact that I didn’t snap at ANYONE today, even though all of this nonsense went down is amazing.  I wanted to shout and scream, but I couldn’t.  Instead I bitched to Karen and Lilo and wrote nasty things to Cashelle (thanks lovely ladies!) and pondered killing everything male in sex. 

No words.  I’m done.  I’m so done.

I’m so fucking done.

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I’m just a ray of sunshine today

April 14, 2009 at 9:01 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , )

I think I am going out with this boy tomorrow night. Seems exciting, right? And I should be excited. I should be bouncing around because OMG, a boy wants to spend time with meeeeeeeeeeee.

I’m not.

In fact…I’m pretty far from that. I’m feel pretty low and crappy and not full of any sense of self esteem and I don’t think that’s a good way to go out with a boy. But what can I do? I can’t tell him no because I’m feeling extra full of self hatred today. And really, I don’t even know if we’re actually going out. We talked about it on Sunday night and we haven’t talked much more about it since “hey, Wednesday works!”

So. I’ve been feeling so crappy because I’ve been feeling like this guy is going to think I’m fat. A total whale. A FAIL WHALE, if you will. And yes, I know if he thinks I’m fat that he won’t go out with me again and I should never be with someone fat. He’s seen pictures of me (this boy is from match.com) and I don’t think there will be any surprises. But. I’m still pretty thoroughly convinced this guy is going to think I’m the queen of all the fatties and that will be that and I’ll just cry and cry.

I’ve said this 9 million times. Now it’s 9 million and 1. I’ve lost like, 35 pounds. This weekend, everyone was telling me how great I look. I don’t see that. I just see that I lost 35 pounds and I’m STILL FAT, so I had to be really really fat when I started…to still be fat now. My weight loss has sort of stalled and I’ve been gaining and losing the same 3-4 pounds for weeks now. I know that’s my fault, but I’m stuck in some sort of cycle. I went on an eating rampage last night and I couldn’t get out of it. I felt so terrible after I was done but what was I to do? I mean, I wanted to eat and then I did and after…ew. Just felt gross.

Add to that the fact that my face has been an out and out disaster of teenage awkward acne proportions AND I’m still not sure about my hair…well…I’m all backwards ass awkward. I’m just so unsure of myself and I don’t know what to do and I’m overly concerned about this. I shouldn’t be. Why does it matter? If this boy likes me for who I am, then great. If he doesn’t, oh well.

I won’t be in any worse shape if he decides I’m not for him. In fact, it will be one less thing to worry about. But I’m very concerned and I want him to like me and God, I’m being such a dork now.

I feel pathetic. And so unworthy. And just…not even close to being me.

There’s nothing I can do but ride it out. I’m going to go to the gym tonight and hopefully that will make me feel better. A good workout always helps me to realize that I’ve come a long way in my weight loss and that’s something to be proud of. I’m buying smaller clothes. I’m noticeably less…round. None of these things are making a difference right now.

I’m just being lame lame lamity lame and I have no idea how to make myself stop.

I’ll update once I know where and when I am meeting this guy, so I can really have a full scale panic attack and then play the next fun game called “what can I wear that will hide my not sexy arms and my stomach and my ass, totally”

Lilo felt this monster should also be a part of the post.  I’m so needy today.LOVE ME

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