I’m going to be single forever.
It’s true! She has informed me of this. Maybe in not so many words, but it’s what she mean. I apparently don’t do anything that boys like. Which is news to me. But whatever.
There’s this one girl that I work with that is engaged…somehow. She isn’t getting married until next May but she’s already picked everything out for her wedding and is getting engagement photos taken, like, today. She’s way ahead of the ball. And she’s a bitch.
That’s important to remember.
So one of the first days at Fancy Marketing Place, I had lunch with her. She was really nice and asking me about my life and so on. I told her that I was single (because she asked) and you know, that was that. Except not. She told me that I was probably single because I am too nice. And since I give in and do nice things for people, no one wants that. But let’s be fair here. I’m not that nice. I willingly admit that I will crush boys that aren’t strong enough to stop me. And I’m angry and say mean things and you know, don’t do exactly what everyone asks of me. I’m nice to people that are nice to me.
But I guess I need to be withholding. I can’t let guys know that I like them – I have to fuck with their heads and do confusing things and be a crazy bitch. I’m not a big fan of playing games or saying one thing and doing another because it’s annoying and it’s exhausting. I don’t want to put that much effort into anything (HELLO, this is why I’m fat).
Because as we all know, men love crazy bitches. And she is the perfect example of that.
I was also told the other day that I wear my hair too short. If I expect to land a guy, I was told I should grow my hair out really long. Because according to Ms. Bitchy Pants, boys like girls with long hair. She also informed me that the DUMBEST thing a girl could do after she breaks up with a guy is to cut her hair because boys don’t like that. The girl should go out and get extensions.
While I’m sure there are a good number of boys that do like girls with long hair, I don’t think it’s all of them. Also, I think that someone that likes me will like me no matter what my hair looks like. But I could be wrong.
If these are her opinions, that would be fine. But it’s not that she just thinks these things are right. SHE KNOWS that these things are right. So I can’t even say “well, I don’t think that’s really the case” because then she comes back with “BUT I KNOW THIS.”
WOMAN, I WILL END YOU.
It’s bad enough that all the girls roam around in a pack – one that I’m not included in – and have crazy diets. Now one of them feels the need to tell me that I’m going to be single until I die and somehow end up like Flaky Cat Lady (she’s another story for another day)?
I don’t take well to people telling me how I should be living my life when things in my life are okay. Or at least for the most part. Yes, I’m sort of bored and lonely, but it’s nice to be on my own. I’m not going to turn into some longhaired, withholding, mind-fucking, crazy ass bitch just to get someone to notice me.
Sorry to all the longhaired, withholding, mind-fucking, crazy ass bitches out there. I don’t mean to offend you. But I’ve met your leader. She really is a terror. I can understand why she is in charge.
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Honestly, snow doesn’t bother me. I went to school in western New York where it would snow for days on end. I enjoy snow. I think it’s pretty. The cold doesn’t bother me much either.
But this bullshit weather? It’s raining, it’s sleeting, it’s snowing, there’s fog, there’s snow again, EVERYTHING IS MELTING, more snow.
This is bullshit. And it’s got to stop.
When the weather gets like this – all the low pressure systems and whatnot – my head starts pounding. I start getting headaches, which could turn into migraines. And I’ve been feeling that way for like, a week now. I know there is nothing I can do about it except for take some painkillers and hope for the best.
BUT DAMN IT. SNOW OR RAIN. MAKE UP YOUR MIND.
W is away at college and they got 2 1/2 feet of snow over the past 48 hours. I would be cool with that. Then my brains wouldn’t hurt. And hey, I like snow. I’m still funemployed and I don’t have to drive to work in the morning. So bring on the snow.
But honestly, this weather that can’t decide what it is that it’s doing needs to be finished.
Or else I’m going to kick its ass. I don’t know how yet, but I’ll figure out a way.
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Hey, do you remember how I used to blog about things? I remember when I used to do that.
I don’t anymore. It’s not because I’m busy or I have an exciting life, it’s because I have nothing to do and no one to interact with and there’s nothing to say. But it was just Thanksgiving, I just saw my family and hell, what more can I talk about?
- I went on an interview the week before Thanksgiving. I got an email back from the company the next day, saying that I made it to the next round and I needed to make a sales sheet for them. Guess what I’ve never done before? Make a sales sheet. So I googled sales sheets and did the best I could with it. Except I still think what I did is crap. As Lilo said, no matter what I did, I would think it to be crap. She’s right. I’m waiting to hear back from them this week. If nothing happens, then nothing happens and I’m in the same position I’m in now.
- That position is broke, in case you wanted to know.
- I apparently developed a lovely caffeine problem at some point. Now I need to start my day with coffee or else my head pounds all day. Way to go, self.
- I weighed myself while I was at my parents house over Thanksgiving. I didn’t weigh as much as I think I did (that’s before I went on a 3 day eating and drinking binge) and that’s good. But I still feel like a whale. I need a job so I can get back to the gym/trainer.
- I ordered a dress for my friend’s wedding in September. I know it’s early, but the dress was on SALE and I really like the dress otherwise. It’s something I would have maybe ordered anyway if I had lots of extra money. But since I don’t, I wasn’t looking for dresses and yeah. It should be here today and I am very excited about it.
- It’s Christmas time! It’s one of my favorite times of year. I enjoy the smells of Christmas and the activities and the food and the people I get to see. So, no complaints here. Except the fact that this year is going to suck for presents for everyone I know. Sorry guys. You know I love you.
- Speaking of presents, I need to bitch about something. I ordered Lilo a present for her birthday (which was October 18th) from Etsy on October 5th. The info on the page said that everything was shipped within 7-12 days. That was fine – it would still make Lilo’s birthday. Now it’s the 1st of December and IT IS STILL NOT HERE. The seller has about a million reviews and everyone seems to be getting their things…just 2 months late. The seller is not answering emails or messages on etsy. I’m very annoyed and you better believe that they are getting a fucking snarky ass review on their website. If something is going to take 2 months, that’s fine. Say that! Then I don’t get annoyed. I HATE EVERYONE.
- Thanksgiving was pretty okay. It was a small crowd this year (only 18 people. Yes, that’s small) and an all right today. Thursday would have been my grandpa’s 79th birthday, so it was a little sad around the table, but otherwise there was lots of shouting and drinking and more shouting. You know, like you do. Very uneventful, but at least there was a lot of booze. There were not a lot of mixers. At one point, I was drinking absolut and cran-apple. At least it’s better than the Christmas where my aunt and I were drinking grey goose and juicy-juice. It was a bad year.
- I had an interview with a staffing agency yesterday. Let’s see where that goes.
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I was invited (aren’t I lucky?) to go to a re-employment meeting this week. I was just enraged overjoyed to be invited. Since I was going to this meeting I thought that I should make a good impression and not wear jeans. Khakis seemed like the right kind of pants to wear.
I’m at this weird point where I’m in between sizes. So nothing I own really fits me exactly right. Since the last time I bought khakis I was 2 sizes bigger than I am now, I figured I could splurge from my unemployment budget and buy a pair of khakis. I wouldn’t say that I’m thin by any means, but I’m not quite as fat as I was. I’m at a size that they carry at most reasonable stores. How hard could it be to find khaki pants, I thought?
Oh, and aside from being not a fat size, but not a skinny size either, I’m tall. I generally buy tall pants with a longer inseam so that they will fit. And more stores carry tall pants, so how would that be an issue?
Those were my first two mistakes.
First, Lilo and I went to Kohl’s to find some pants. I kind of love Kohl’s. If you can take the time to look around, you can find some really great things. I’ve gotten a lot of fabulous things there and I thought that I could just find some pants there because I’ve found pants there before. I forgot that all the pants I found were capris. I found some pairs of pants in the right size at Kohl’s and tried them on. FAIL. When pants aren’t long enough, the crotch of the pants is at the wrong place and just looks awkward. And you turn all muffin toppy. So those were out.
I was not discouraged. I was going to go to the mall on Monday. THE MALL. Think of all the stores in the mall! I could totally find pants there because there are so many places that sell pants. It would all be good as far as I was concerned.
3rd mistake.
I went in to all the stores at the mall that I have bought pants from. I went into the Gap, Old Navy, Anne Taylor, Anne Taylor Loft, Macy’s, Lord and Taylor and some other places. NO FUCKING PANTS. NO FUCKING PANTS ANYWHERE. I tried on at least 15 pairs of pants and none of them fit. And why didn’t any of them fit? BECAUSE I WAS TOO TALL. FOR THE PANTS. NO WHERE were there tall sized pants in bigger sizes. NOWHERE was helpful. I left the mall shouting and making all sorts of noise. What good is the mall if I can’t find pants that fit me? FUCK YOU, COMMERCE.
I’ve started my search online for pants. It’s bullshit that I have to resort to the internet to find pants, but whatever. If that’s how you want to play it, stores in the mall, then that’s how you want to play it. I never used to have a problem finding tall pants in stores, but apparently some tall person somewhere in the universe pissed off the pants gods of all these stores and POOF. No more tall pants for you.
I just found a pair of khaki pants online at Old Navy. Sometimes not all of Old Navy’s sizes fit the same way, but I’m taking a chance to see if these pants work. I also found out that Old Navy sells tall pants and long pants. Yes, there is a difference. The long pants are shorter than the tall pants. Who would have ever guessed? Not me, that’s for damn sure.
Now I have learned my lesson. I will never be able to buy pants in a store again because I’m too tall. For pants. Damn you, height. DAMN YOU TO HELL.
And maybe another day I will recount my exciting adventure at the re-employment meeting. Just thinking about it makes my blood boil. How do people like the ones in that meeting actually exist in the real world? I need to know.
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For the first time in I feel like a long time, I have only good things to blog about. I think. Mostly. I could be absolutely wrong.
Lilo and I might have possibly found our place to live!!!1! We checked out some place last night that was everything we were looking for – 2 bedrooms, nice kitchen, a deck outside, washer and dryer – and a bonus, A DISHWASHER (I thought Lilo would pass out from the excitement). It’s a very cute place and I’m all jazzed up about it and Lilo is all jazzed up about it and if we can get everything settled before she goes to poetry camp, then that would be amazing. Or at least if we had a place to live for when she came back. Whatever the case might be. I’ve been in a full-fledged panic about how I am going to afford everything I need to move out, but I’m calming down and realizing that I can make do with what I have. And once we’re settled, everyone is invited over! Okay, not really everyone. But maybe. Only 7 people read this blog, and one of those people is going to live with me. So sure, everyone is invited over. Beers are on me.
Discussions of a 20sb NYC meet-up have been started. I’m so incredibly excited about it. I feel like I shouldn’t be going because HELLO, these are the big ladies in the blogging world and I’m just lame-o me over here with my 7 readers, but hey. If I want to play with the cool kids, I can try. Maybe I will meet some totally awesome and amazing people and then I’ll be even more awesome than I already am. Because I am pretty freakin’ sweet sometimes.
Training has been going really well. I saw Lisa the Trainer on Monday and I ran up and down the stairs again and I didn’t break my butt this time! Hurray! I also dragged Lisa the Trainer down the hall (we were attached to each other with a bungee cord and she had planted her feet and I had to run with her). I feel like I can notice a difference now – even a tiny little bit of one. I feel like I have tiny baby arm muscles and my thighs are getting tighter and whoo…look at me go! I will be sad when the training sessions are over. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Maybe Lisa the Trainer will continue her awesomeness and give me a program.
This weekend is the graduation party for J and W. And the rumor is that the sun is going to come out for the first time in a month. My parents are thrilled because there is no way that we have room for 100 people in our house. Maybe 50 or 60, but totally not 100. I’m taking a half day on Friday so I can go home and help my mom get the food ready and things. Both of my brothers are very excited and I am too. I can’t believe that they both have graduated. That’s crazy. It’s just crazy.
A is teaching me to drive stick on Sunday because he’s crazy too. My mom couldn’t stop laughing this morning when I told her. She thinks that I’m just going to fail at it (and I probably will) but maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll be okay with it. A came over late last night to get some cupcakes that I had made (recipe is here – and I highly recommend these. They are super easy to make and really good and the frosting is amazing. And probably gives you diabetes. But whatever. So good.) and we talked for a bit. He was saying something about how I was mean or snarky or something to him. And he’s right. He really is. I’m kind of mostly not nice to anyone and I should change that. I should start being nicer to people and not just cut them off and be a bitchbag because I can. I’m kind of brutal to him and he puts up with it and he shouldn’t and I apologized last night. I should just tell him how I feel but I don’t because well…I think I’m done with crying for the week.
This week is almost over. I am so excited for that. I’m in such a good mood and I’ve been laughing all day and it’s been fabulous. I don’t have any real complaints for the day – sure everyone at work has been crazy and there have been lots of closed doors, but like I said, week is almost over. Cupcake land is almost found. And tomorrow night is chinese and True Blood with Lilo and I can’t think of a better way to spend my night. Actually, that’s a lie. I wish all my friends were there. We could have such fun.
So many good things happening soon. Cross your fingers that it continues.
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Dear ex-boyfriend-o-mine,
We dated very long ago. Almost 10 years ago, which is scary in and of itself. Yes, we had a special…thing and a special moment after junior prom. No, I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea. Regardless, we really weren’t meant for each other. You are a preppy rich boy from a preppy rich pair of Texans and well? I’m Connecticut po’white trash. You don’t even go by your first name, everyone calls you by your middle name. Because you’re a d-bag. But that’s neither here nor there.
I ignore you when you IM me mostly. I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want to hear about all the drugs you did this past weekend or how drunk you were or how you can’t understand why your girlfriend doesn’t want to have a 3 way. I don’t know, ex-boyfriend-o-mine, but I can guess. Maybe because you’re 24 and getting too old for this crap? Maybe because she’s a sweet girl and you already own a house and a dog and she wants to be treated like a lady and not a whore? I mean, what do I know? I’ve only known you since you were 16.
But you IM me still. And I don’t answer you. There’s a reason for this, aside from you being a twat waffle. Whenever you IM me, you want to know if I’m having sex with anyone. And I’m not. It makes me terribly sad, but I’m not. I don’t feel as though you need to know that I’m not having sex. What impact does it have on your life? No one is sleeping with me, no one is dating me and I’m not persuing anyone that is worth while. Or really anyone at all.
Also, I do remember when we hooked up back when we were in high school. I’d like to forget it, but I do. It was a very very long time ago and I’ve had much better sex since then. Unfortunately, having sex with you is one of the memories that has lasted this long. I was pretty drugged all through high school, but damn it, I remember you. And your nonsense. And how you were constantly high. But that was the past and we have no future. We’re really not even close to being close friends or casual friends or even people that would say hi to each other in the street.
Basically, if you just stopped talking to me, that would do me the huge favor of not having to tell you to stop talking to me. I mean, if I kept on IMing someone and they kept on not answering, I would get the hint. I guess you don’t and that’s your issue. Please go away. Please don’t come back. Actually, you’re already not in this state…so stay that way, eh?
Not fondly yours at all ever,
Sarah
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Well well well.
Today, I went to ask the Match.com boy what we are doing tomorrow. He asked me what the hell I was talking about.
F MY LIFE.
Apparently he never got my IM where I said “YES, WEDNESDAY PLZ”, even though we were chatting through google chat, and I know that your IMs get sent to your email account if you’re not online. Fact.
So he claimed that he never got this IM, but I forwarded him the conversation when I said yes to Wednesday.
Instead of being considerate and logical about things (things being my response to whether I wanted to hang out), he went off and made other plans. Thanks, buddy.
After he realized what happened, he didn’t offer another day for us to hang out. I told him he could let me know when he had some more time. I think that’s as snarky as I could be without totally losing my shit on him.
Losing my cool would have made me the crazy girl. I don’t want to be the crazy girl. BUT there’s nothing I hate more in this world than people making and breaking plans. And this? Not an excuse. He already had his one excuse where he said that a family member of his was very ill and he was going to have to take a raincheck. Fine. I’ll give you that.
Now though? Now I’m just pissed and annoyed and you used your get out of jail free card. I’m not trying anymore. I’m not offering times and places and doing all the work. The way I see it, if this guy really liked me, he would have been way more apologetic about the entire thing and THEN offered another day for us to hang out. He didn’t.
I can’t even find the words to express how I feel. I’m so pissed off that he would just be such a moron and I’m so annoyed at myself for getting worked up over really nothing and I’m done with every guy in my life because NONE OF THEM can do anything that they say they will. NONE of them can make plans on their own. ALL of them make me want to punch a baby.
Maybe I’m being a little irrationally angry right now. Maybe. I can’t tell this boy any of this because then I’ll be the crazy girl. I can’t let on that I’m so peeved with him that I would smack him in the face. Instead I’ll be the ice queen and give him the cold shoulder and you know what? He’ll figure it out. If that makes him stop talking to me, then so be it. I’m not putting up with this from some guy that supposedly is interested in me. If you’re interested, YOU FIND TIME. If you can’t find any, then you do/say something that makes me know that yes, you are busy right now but it’s not like you dislike me. You don’t go around making other plans and doing other things and make me seem like an idiot.
I’m probably too good for this guy. But I don’t know for sure. Even if I am, I think someone needs to put him in his place. That so could be me.
Also, the fact that I didn’t snap at ANYONE today, even though all of this nonsense went down is amazing. I wanted to shout and scream, but I couldn’t. Instead I bitched to Karen and Lilo and wrote nasty things to Cashelle (thanks lovely ladies!) and pondered killing everything male in sex.
No words. I’m done. I’m so done.
I’m so fucking done.
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I decided I would put up a bullet post because I just don’t have enough for a real post about anything important. Are you excited? You should be.
- I’m getting my hair cut and highlighted tomorrow. This apparently is the most important thing in my life. I am so out of control excited about this. I might need a hobby.
- Today after work, I am meeting up with Karen and she’s going to go with me to look for bridal shower invitations. My mom and I have been fighting about them because she’s an idiot and I’m annoyed with her and she can’t make a choice by herself or something. If I don’t find anything tonight, I’m going with my mom to Target tomorrow. Le sigh.
- Also, tomorrow J is leaving for Florida. On a plane. He’s never been on a plane before and I’m sure that my mom is going to be beside herself. I don’t know how much of a panic mode she’s in already. She probably won’t sleep tonight and then she’ll bitch about it.
- This morning I was woken up by my mom throwing fat ass Ollie (that’s the cat, just in case you forgot) on my bed. That’s fine, Ollie sometimes will sleep on my bed. He started purring and kneading me and he was content and I went back to sleep. Then he made a terrible noise…and threw up on my bed. On me. And then he started eating the puke. GROSS. This is all before 6:30 this morning. I had to get up, take the comforter off my bed and bring it downstairs to throw in the wash. I went to go back to bed and Ollie started clawing my feet and my legs. I was so pissed. When I thought I could finally get back to sleep, my alarm went off. Sigh. Way to start a Friday, eh?
- There’s a new guy at work and we like him. We’ve been having internet and email troubles this whole week at work and we’re all ready to kill the IT man. I’m always ready to kill the IT man, but not everyone feels the same way that I do. We have been joking about drinking every day after work (our office is on top of a bar) and on Wednesday, we finally did. The new guy came out with us and we got to know him and decided that we like him. There’s a planned happy hour next Thursday and that should be fun. Wednesday’s happy hour was on BStP. he doesn’t know that yet.
- Boy from Match.com asked me out for like…the 3rd time. We’ve been trying to get our stuff together, but he’s always busy or I’m busy and we’ll see where this goes. I don’t want to discuss it much more than that.
- Last night I went to see my friend Lisa and her son Jack. When I walked into the house, Jack started SHRIEKING at the top of his lungs because he was so excited. I was in HIS house, and we were going to play the wii. He gets all worked up when I come over and will apparently talk about me the entire week before I come. He also calls my mom by her first name, which my mom told him to do – but it’s still funny. He’s an adorable kid and always makes me feel loved.
- This weekend is Easter (in case maybe you didn’t know or something) and that means that all of my dad’s siblings will be at my grandma’s house for Easter. Including my family, that’s 31 people. And Lilo, bless her little heart, is going to be joining my family for this magical event. I don’t think she knows what she is getting into. Maybe she can write a guest post about how much fun she had. Vodka is for Easter, kids. Don’t forget it.
- I’m going to Atlanta in less than a month! I’m going to see my friends Tessa and Cashelle from college. Cashelle lives down in Atlanta and I just can’t wait! The last time I saw those two it was for like, less than 36 hours. We were at my family’s house in Vermont and while we had great fun, that’s not enough time to catch up at all. It will be fun to go someplace I’ve never been and to be with some lovely ladies. I’m leaving on May 6th and I won’t be back until the 10th and OMG guys. Atlanta!
- I had an awkward conversation with A the other day and I tweeted (or twatted, as Lilo says) about it. Basically, he flirts with me all the time. ALL THE TIME. EVERY MOMENT. I called him out on it and told him that he flirts with me and CONFUSES ME so much. I mean, for us to break up because he felt like it wasn’t working or something and then for him to continue to flirt with me, implying he still likes me, when he actually doesn’t? So uncool. He told me that he felt terrible enough hurting my feelings the first time and that he never wanted to do that again. I told him that if I could get through all this nonsense with him, I know we can be good friends. But he flirts and I get confused and frustrated and he just needs to knock it off. So that’s been sorted out or something and fun fun fun. Or whatever. Almost done with the first season of the Venture Bros and that means grilled cheese.
- Not much else has been going on. It’s been a boring couple of days. Tonight I shall see Karen and possibly Pam and tomorrow I’m making cupcakes with Lilo and one of her friends. Bonus!
Happy Friday, everyone!
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No. Not so much. I mean maybe. But probably not.
Few off topic things first…
- I just made bread. WHAT WHAT?! I am very proud of myself and I didn’t screw it up and goooooooood it smells good. Winner. I am one.
- I am dreading work tomorrow because of the general vibe around my office lately and the fact that I have to find out where we have credits and things for the airlines and I really don’t want to do that and I hate it and I hate that part of my job. Really. I hate all the personal assistant things that I have to do.
- I woke up without a hangover, went to my grandma’s house, started drinking a little bit again…and now my head is pounding. FAIL.
Okay, so here’s the real stuff that I wanted to say. Last night I went into the city with Karen and her lovely husband, Eric, for something called a Wing-ding. At the Wing-ding, it’s unlimited beer and wings for like 2 hours. It’s excellent fun, that’s for sure. We start eating wings and drinking and shouting and the basketball game was on and it was good times. The post is not about the Wing-ding. But man, such good wings. Can’t wait to go again.
This post is about how all of Eric’s friends just looooooooooove me. Mostly the married ones. That’s neither here nor there. Eric’s friend Kenny loves me the most. He always tells me that I’m his favorite girl because really, how could I not be? Kenny wants to hug me and suggests that I sit on his lap and things like that. I don’t sit on his lap, but hey, hugs! And he buys me beer and we know that’s the way to my heart.
The last time I was out with all these guys, it was August, I was very single and very much in a weird place with Him. So I was flirting and being my normal self. One of Eric’s co-workers, Chris, brought a friend of his when we all met up. I thought Mike was kind of cute and I told Karen that. Mike and Chris walked us to the subway the last time we were in the city and made sure we got to where we were going safely and were just sweet to us.
Chris and Mike were there last night.
Mike still likes me. I know. He was flirting and I was flirting and well..what a rush. Mike sat next to me at the Wing-ding, where we both drank too much beer and talked about tattoos and all sorts of other nonsense. There were many of us at the table we were sitting at, so Mike and I were thisclose. Nice.
We then went to another bar where I spent most of the time talking to Mike and Chris. I said something about Kenny adoring me and I said “I would much rather have a cute, sweet, unattached man want my company”. Mike looked at me and smiled. I smiled back. Small flirty thing. I said that I was exhausted and I wanted a nap and asked who lived the closest to where we were at that moment. Mike told me that he did. I told him I was taking a nap at his house. He said he had no problem with that and that I could nap there whenever I wanted. More or less whenever I said something, he would have some sort of witty flirty comeback and I would smile. When I was just about falling asleep at the table at the 3rd bar we were at, I made him come closer to me so I could put my head on his shoulder.
Sometimes, I play the game well. Or at least I think I play the game well.
He kissed my cheek as I was leaving and he told me to be safe. I told him “no, I’m not gonna!” and laughed. I walked out of that bar with Karen and Eric with my head held high and full of the knowledge that this boy flirted with me twice. On two seperate occasions. And he MUST like me. If I wanted to act on it, I could. Instead I walked away and was super double flirty. As long as Chris is coming out with us, I’m sure Mike would join us. I mean…as long as I’m there.
Last night was a great boost to my confidence and my self esteem. Although I’ve lost almost 40 pounds (I keep gaining and losing the same 4 though), I still don’t realize it. I’m in no way as tiny as little Karen over there (have you read her weight loss blog? You should! GO GO!) and it’s hard for me to realize. When I start flirting with guys, I feel great, but it’s the first part. The first “OMG, does he like me part?”
Which brings me to something else. I’ve been talking to this guy from Match.com for a while now. He’s nice and amuses me and I like him and I look forward to meeting him. Mostly. Sometimes I’m convinced that he’s just going to think I’m a fatty and not like me. And right, if I meet someone that is that way, I don’t want to be with them. If he thinks I’m fat, that has nothing to do with me. That’s his issue. It’s not like he hasn’t seen pictures of me. But. I still feel this. I freak out about it. I know there’s nothing that I can do. I still worry. I know that my calves are so much more muscular now than they were a year ago and my figure has changed and I’m healthier and you know, smaller. It doesn’t change the fact that I’m still a big girl. I’ll always be a sort of big girl, no matter how much weight I lose. That’s just the way that I’m built. I just hate to think that I’ve spent all this time talking to this guy for him to think that I’m fat. I almost just want to say it to him. I want to say “hey cute boy over there that likes me – just so you know – I’ve got quite and ass and I’m not tiny. Just in case you wanted to know.” I don’t though. I just think it and freak out about it.
And since I’m talking about boys, I have to go to talking about A. I mean, really? What would a conversation about boys be without that? I was texting him today, telling him that my aunt Missy called him a creepy old man (she’s only 2 years older than him…awkward? Maybe) and he was laughing about it. He was headed into the city and I said that I was in the city last night and told him why. He asked if there were boys flirting with me and I told him that there were and I flirted back. It was just so weird. I don’t want to talk to him about other boys. I mean, at least not yet. I want t think that there will come a time in my relationship with A that I’m comfortable saying those things to him. That time isn’t now.
He asked me (jokingly) if I was going to hook up with this guy and I said that I wasn’t looking for that. That’s not exactly a lie. I mean, who doesn’t like good sex? I sure do! But I’d rather have a relationship and I’ve realized you can’t start a relationship with sex. That only took me years to figure out. I’m a smart one.
I asked him what his issue was and he said that he was just trying to get me laid. I got a little annoyed and he told me that he just wanted me to be happy.
So I asked him why he thought that I wasn’t happy. He said that he had no idea. We dropped the subject.
I just don’t feel like I want to talk to him about this. I don’t want to talk to him about other guys because what we had, while it’s very very over, is still very fresh in my mind It’s weird. I don’t want to talk to him about it. So I won’t. And maybe one day we’ll be able to talk like this. Maybe he can be like my new go to guy. But not yet. We’re not there yet. We are getting there. At least I don’t cry when I talk to him now. It’s something.
At least I had a boy flirting with me to take my mind off of things. For real.
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Seriously spring, where the hell are you? It’s freezing this morning and that is UNACCEPTABLE. DO YOU HEAR ME? I want it to be warmer. I want to not have to button my coat up all the way. I look out the window now and I see sunshine and I think “oh, springtime!” and I’m wrong. I don’t like that AT ALL. You better change your tune, weather, or I’m going to change it for you. I don’t even know what that means, but I’m just saying. Don’t make me do it. I would like to go hiking again this weekend and if something happens to change that, I’m going to punch you in your spring face.
Heather’s wedding is causing everyone to be crazy. We finally picked out the day for the bridal shower and my mom is bitching about that because it’s going to be too hot or something. Heather hasn’t given us a list of who she wants to invite yet, so we can’t even get numbers on things because we don’t know how many people are coming. My mom calls her at least once a day to bug her for the list. She’s getting married in August, so it’s not like we have loads of time to play with. The maid of honor is making my mom and my grandma annoyed, so they talk on the phone about how much they dislike her. The fun never stops. I’m so done with this wedding. Heather needs to pick out the bridesmaids dresses already too. She hasn’t done that. Time is ticking away.
Last night I had a migraine. That isn’t really anything special, I just haven’t had one in a while. I took some tylenol and waited for it to kick in. Nothing. So then I took my prescription strength head pains go away drugs. That worked. But it also makes me very loopy and like, drunk on drugs. It’s hard to explain. My head won’t hurt, but I can’t process thoughts or really interact with anyone. I have to take it and lie down. Which I did. But here I am, at work….still being loopy. I’m all lightheaded and dizzy and I feel like I’m high or something. And my head has started to hurt again. I took some more tylenol because if I took more of this drug, you would have to leave me alone for another 24 hours and hope I come back to. Which I may or may not. Today is going to be all sorts of hysterical because I’m going to not kind of be awake and people will talk to me and I won’t even notice. Fun fun.
Someone is coming to interview today. Cross your fingers for Natalie and I – we would like a good looking 20 something man to be hired. C’mon, BStP. You gotta do something for the ladiez.
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