Sometimes my coworkers are funny
Yesterday as I was leaving, I said that I was going home to have a Sam Adams White Ale and go to the gym (and I did both) and that was all I would be up to. Even though yesterday was St. Patrick’s Day (in case maybe you forgot or didn’t know), I didn’t do anything. I’m not even the tiniest little bit of Irish. Also it’s hard to drink a lot and go to work the next day. I’ve tried.
As I was saying this, one of my co-workers, Jim, asked what happened to A. I said that A went away.
“Oh,” said Jim. “Did he go to the army? Hunting? Navy?”
“Uh…not so much”
Jim then looked at me. “Men are idiots. They don’t realize a good thing when they have it.”
Jim, you have hit the nail right on the head. I am awesome and amazing and flat out fantastic and A is a moron. I told him this yesterday. It never gets old to tell him that. At least we’re all on the same page. Point to take away from this story? A is dumb, I’m moving on and sometimes, I actually can tolerate my coworkers for more than 5 minutes.
A – if you’re reading this…you know that I think you’re fabulous and great. But we both know you’re dumb. So don’t think I’m insulting you. But you know that I make your life so incredibly awesome. Winner. I iz it.
Confession
There’s really only one reason I can’t get over that makes me sad that A and I broke up – he would be the perfect King Henry VIII to my Anne Boleyn.
Not that I look like Anne Boleyn, but you know, I could make myself look like her if I needed to.
Old people…
When I got home from work (which was just OMG, so fun. So fun that I had to stop on my way home and get me a sixer of Sam Adams White Ale. That kind of fun), my parents were over at my neighbor’s house. I decided that it would be a good time for me to go over there because they were there and I could leave when they left. I thought I was okay to go today and I wouldn’t cry. WRONG.
I went in to go and see Ev. He’s in a hospital bed in his room. He’s very pale and frail looking. He’s in his pajamas. His hair is a mess. He’s got a month at most, I would say. He was so excited when I walked into the room. I kissed his cheek and said hello and he held onto my hand and started to cry. I held back my tears. And then. Then he said to me “S, I always thought I would live long enough to see you get married.”
Cue endless tears.
Seriously? You had to say that? I know he didn’t mean it to be offensive and I know that he just said that because…you know, whatever reason. I also might have started crying because I always wanted my Papa to be at my wedding and you know – connection between Ev and Papa. I cannot be trusted with old dying people, apparently.
Which got me to thinking. I’m 24. I don’t have to, want to or NEED to be married. And seriously? No. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again…I can’t get myself dressed in the morning because I can’t make choices. I can’t marry someone right now. I couldn’t marry someone in the next year. It’s just not in my life right now.
But at that moment, I wanted so badly to even have someone around to be in a mock wedding with me. I wanted to have some guy that Ev could meet so that he could tell him to treat me nice and think of me as the most lovely girl he’s ever seen. I don’t have a guy like that. I do have Lee though. I know if I called him, he would come charging down here to my rescue. That’s not the point.
I find myself needing A again. Not because he is who he is. But because I know that Ev would like A so much and approve of him. I know that my grandpa would have too. They both would think that A is amazing – he’s smart and funny and kind and most importantly…HE IS NICE TO ME.
Lilo then made an important point after I said this. He’s emotionally retarded (he is!) and not ready to deal with my awesomeness. So even though he was great…he’s kind of not.
Which lead me to realize that I’m not hung up on A because he’s A. I’m hung up on the idea of a guy being nice to me and treating me like a lovely lady because that’s what I am. A was that way to me and in my brain, I cannot see anyone treating me like this again. I know that makes no sense. You don’t have to tell me. I guess I can’t imagine anyone that’s nice ever wanting to be with a girl like me. A girl that is filled with snark.
I’m seeking approval from my Papa and Ev and I know it’s not going to happen. I guess this is my last thing. I want to make them proud of me somehow, even though I know that they are proud. Papa never saw me graduate from college but I know that he was proud. Ev isn’t going to see me get married, but I know that as long as my dad approves of whoever I’m marrying, it will be okay. There are some things I can’t change. I can’t change the cancer, I can’t change the fact that I haven’t met someone that is worthy to have my attention and affection. I just have to keep on hoping that he comes along sooner or later.
This has been my entire night. My entire night has been me doing things like working out and brushing the asshole cat and watching bad tv, but thinking the entire time about Ev’s comment. I know that it was just an off-handed comment but it stuck. Now I feel like this is something that I have to do. By tomorrow, I’m hoping this will all wear off. There’s really not anything I can do about the entire situation anyway.
Except carry some strange form of guilt around that I created myself.
Which I won’t let myself do.
So.
Until then, I’m going to do the best that I can to impress Ev and make him happy before he leaves. Boyfriend or husband or nothing, I’m still me. I still matter. I wish I did have someone to bring to Ev so he could feel like I was being taken care of or watched over, but I don’t. He’s just going to have to trust me in the fact that one day that guy will come. At least that’s what I’m banking on.
A little bit of this, that and the other thing
Again. Bullets. I can’t seem to get inspired. Like what I have to say, damnit.
- In the past 2 days, I have misplaced 2 things. I’ve lost an entire roll of address labels and I’ve lost a library book. I know that both of these things are somewhere in the house…but I can’t find them. I’ve turned my room totally upside down and I still have no idea where they are. I remember having both of them this weekend, so I am totally confused. This also happened to me with the X-men movies. I had all 3 and now I only have the last one. Where did the other 2 go? I HAVE NO IDEA. This is from a rather long time ago and I’m still confused. FAIL
- So that big client, the one that we were all busting our butts for last week? BStP decided that we weren’t going to try to get them after all. He’s doing what’s best for our company and I appreciate that. I think it sucks that we all put so much energy and effort into the entire thing and now nothing will come of it. I had to call and cancel hotels and airplane tickets today. Boy, that was fun. Really can’t wait to do that again. We did get a new client on Friday though and they are going to make things pretty insane around work. We’re looking to hire someone new and that should be fun. Please let it be a hot 20 something boy. Please? BStP? Yes?
- I went on the Wii fit tonight for the first time in a long time. And it told me I gained 4 pounds. Thanks Wii fit! Man, I love when you make me feel bad about myself. I also did the hoola-hooping game for 6 minutes and my back and thighs are very angry at me. They are just going to have to deal with it.
- So tired right now. Just thought I would share that.
- Tomorrow night I have a super hot date…with a 4 year old. My co-w0rker Lisa, from my old job, has a son. His name is Jack and he’s 4 and he loves me. He loves me so much that he asks Lisa when I’m going to come over to play. He tells her that I am a part of his family and he wants me to go to Florida with them. So tomorrow night I am going to Lisa’s house for pizza and beer and I will play Lego Batman with Jack and talk to Lisa about A and his antics as of late.
- A’s antics as of late? Emailing me a picture of a painting of a cupcake that was at his work. DAMN IT, why does he do such nice things? I mean, I like that we’re cool. But he does something like that and I’m all dumb for him again and I need to not be that way. I need to not think it’s simply adorable that he does things like that. Le sigh
- My cousin brought her wedding dress back and got a new one. I guess I’m glad that she’s happy, but she was so annoying about the entire thing. Now we have to worry about the shower which is going to be it’s own little bunch of bother. Everyone (except me, it seems) is going ot a bunch of weddings this summer, which means that just about every weekend is packed for Heather. We’re trying to throw her a bridal shower, but it’s impossible to get a weekend that works for everyone and I’m just trying to stay as far out of it as possible. I don’t care when it is or where it is or who is invited. Just tell me where to be and what I have to do and I will do it. Lordy
- In other things that I’m doing news, I’m going over to Karen’s on Friday night where she will make me dinner and I’m going to Lilo’s on Saturday night…where she will also make me dinner (maybe. Probably). I’m glad I get to spend the weekend with some awesome girls. Pam, you better step up to the plate for some time this weekend or you’ll be looking at time with me next week.
- I’ve been having a hard time with WW as of late. I need to get my head back in the game and quit screwing around. I made the leader of our WW meeting laugh on Saturday because I had gained last week and she asked me how I thought I could get it back this week. And I told her that I would knock it off and quit screwing around. I don’t know if it’s working though. Le sadness. I’ve just had the need to eat as of late and that NEEDS to stop. But I worked out on Saturday, Monday, Tuesday and today, so that’s at least something, right? Yes. Right.
- Really exhausted. Think it’s time for bed. Later gators.
I’ve been accused of overthinking
And I’ll admit that I am. Now.
But first, I’m such a bad blogger. I threw my name into the “be my blog valentine” pool a long ass time ago. Since I’m bad and just not a good person, I still haven’t sent my blogger her things. Oops. But! I did get an awesome gift basket from Loni. Thank you so much! It’s wonderful. So go to her blog and give it the same love you give mine. Not too much though. Remember who you love more. Me. That’s who.
Okay. Back to my normal emo self time. I drove down to Scranton today with Lilo to get some rats that she adopted. Yes. Rats. Scranton is…interesting to say the least. We were in the car for quite a while (I think over 5 hours, but that was both ways) and we were talking. I was talking about a guy that I dated. I was talking about the beginning of our relationship and just going on and on, saying nothing of any importance. Then I told Lilo that whenever a relationship I’m in ends, I always go back to thinking of that relationship. The relationship with the guy that essentially destroyed who I was. I don’t understand why I do this to myself. I don’t really think about other exes a lot. Lee is my friend, so I talk to him and we’re still cool. But all the other guys – Todd, Dustin, Patrick, Kevin – I don’t think of any of them, really. They had their time to be a point of interest in my life and now I’m done with them. But He. He won’t get out of my brain. He’s always there. Lilo said something that was just so true that it struck me. She told me that I can’t stop thinking of Him because He was the one that damaged me. He was the one that changed who I am. She’s right. And again, it’s just a matter of things that I have acknowledged myself but having someone else say it. Having someone else realize something I already know and tell me it, it always makes it different. As sad and emo and woe is me as it sounds, He did damage me the most. He honestly did.
I guess I’m wondering what I have to do to get myself to forget Him. There really wasn’t any thing about Him that was redeeming (okay, that’s a lie. But I’m not blogging about that. I already overshared once this week). Why can I bury Him just like the rest of those guys? Why can’t I just forget all the pain and sadness and misery that I existed in and move on and remember all the fabulous things? I don’t know. It’s not like thinking about it makes me sad or makes me upset. I just think about it to think about it. I think about all the moments, all the passion and the hatred..and I wonder why. I think about how He changed me without even realizing that He did. I think about how I changed because I couldn’t deal with myself anymore.
Someone asked me this week why I’m so awesome. I told them that one day I woke up and remembered who I was and decided at that moment that I wasn’t going to be anything but awesome as long as I could help it. Back when I told Him we were really and seriously over, I didn’t realize it was me declaring my awesomeness. But it was. I’ve compared dating him to being in a fistfight with someone. You can only get smacked around and fall down so many times before you just don’t have it in you to get up anymore. At that point, you just lie there and hope for it to be over or that other person to stop wailing on you. It doesn’t always work out like that. I can say that my life didn’t end up that way. I guess He just stopped long enough for me to get myself together, stand on my two feet and start hitting back. If ever I were to see Him again, He wouldn’t leave in one piece. Although I often threaten to hit people (and I only mean it when I talk about punching A in the balls as payback), I would never actually do it. Not when it comes to Him. I would…I don’t even know what I would do. But I can tell you that it wouldn’t be pretty. I’m sort of ashamaed to admit that He would be able to do that to me, but there’s no way around it. He killed me, in a way. The person I was in high school, no matter how wrong or bad that person was, is not the same person I am today. I know people grow and change and learn things about themselves in college. I did. The things He taught me weren’t productive good things. He taught me that I wasn’t good enough for him. He told me that I wasn’t pretty enough, I wasn’t smart enough, that He worked with girls that were blonder, with bigger boobs that He would rather sleep with. I’m from Connecticut, that made me something He didn’t like. I was in college, that made me someone He didn’t like. He told me things on purpose to make me cry. He would just about make me beg for His affection and attention and His love (or whatever the hell it was). I was Meredith from Grey’s: “Pick me. Choose me. LOVE ME.” Never was I enough, according to Him. Not that I would ever compare myself to a china doll normally…but He smashed me. I was a million pieces.
Not anymore.
I’d like to say this stops now. Thinking about Him and His nonsense and His effect on my life and who I am now ends today. I think we all know that’s not true. It can’t. What am I to do? How do I not think about something that is terribly horrible and yet so important to this person that I am today? I guess I try to move on. I try to get enough good influences in my life to make me forget everything that He did. I hope that I’ll be with someone that doesn’t make me work hard for what they feel. I think that’s the best that I can do right now. I’m hoping that’s good enough
Possibly an overshare. Be prepared
I don’t do a TMI Thursday or anything, but if I did, this would be my TMI Thursday entry. On a Wednesday. Don’t tell.
You may or may not know that I am addicted to google reader. Like a lot. So far as it might be my excuse to not do work during the day. I’m always finding new blogs and reading them. One of the blogs I just started following is about food. The post today was about Burger King and the fact that their new burgers, called “burger shots” may be inappropriately named. Why? This is what a burger shot is, according to urban dictionary.
And I’ve been burger shot. By A. And I still talked to him afterwards.
A was over at my house while we were still dating. We were playing mario kart on the wii and I was kicking his ass up and down every track because HE SUCKS AT THAT GAME. I also might have been shoving him off the couch. Maybe. So after I had beat him for the 6,793th time, I decided he had been beat enough for the day and we could continue on with our lives. I took his controller and my controller and went to put them on top of the TV. A was still sitting on the couch. I turn to walk back to him. He goes to headbutt me…right in my ladypocket. I’ve asked him why he thought headbutting me in the ladypocket was a good idea. He doesn’t know. Regardless, when he headbutts me…disaster strikes. You know how on your jeans, there’s that part where the bottom of your zipper means the seam in the middle of your pants and it’s like, a little hard nubbin part? That part? Right into my ladybutton. HARD. So hard that my legs drop out from under me and I hit the floor. A starts laughing so hard, he falls off the couch and he’s rolling around on the floor. Laughing. I’m rolling around on the floor in some massive amounts of pain. I think I threatened to kill him. I yelled “WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU THINK THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA??!” and tried to hit him, except my entire body had called it quits. And that, my friends, is a burger shot. It is not fun. I would not reccomend it.
A then went on to tell his friends that he punched his girlfriend right in the ladypocket and she was cool with it. His friends thought I had to be the most amazing person ever, not only because I dated A, but because he smacked me in my cooter and I didn’t care.
It then became a threat. It became “if you don’t do this thing, you’re going to get punched in the pocket”. I started telling other people that I would punch them in their pockets. It was one of the reasons that I listed on A’s Valentine’s Day card for why he was deserving of the card. So when I read about the burger shots today, I IM’d him right away. He was amazed. He told me to blog about my ladypocket punch and here I am, blogging away.
There was also another time when I introduced him to the term papaya stamp. I did not GIVE him a papaya stamp…but I let him know that such a thing existed. The magic of urban dictionary is apparently lost on A, if it wasn’t for me, being helpful and awesome, as usual.
Thursday – so tricky
For those of you that don’t follow me on twitter (and why aren’t you?) – you probably don’t know that A IMed me. Yesterday. Seriously. I panicked at first because OMG, he’s talking to me.
A: thank you for the cupcake
me: you liked it?
A: very much
A: and i appreciated the words
me: well, it came from the heart
A: i know
A: and thats very sweet
me: i wasn’t going to lie to you in a cupcake
A: i would hope not
A: cupcakes are the last bastion of honesty in this world
And that started a conversation that lasted all afternoon. I’m surprised we talked for that long. Things were a little weird, but not terribly so. He was cool and I was cool and that was really what I needed. He asked me about work (it’s crazy. I might lose my mind, but more on that later) and how J’s party was and told me that J was lucky to have a sister like me (and I got all teary eyed about that).
Me: you don’t send me a cupcake card – you can at least say nice things to me
me: that’s how this shit works
A: got it
A:the cupcake was lovely and it made me smile
me: i’m so shoving you the next time i see you
A: you deserve much better than a flake like me
A: better?
me: Lilo firmly believes that you just can’t handle my level of awesome
A: i meant it
A: shes right
I then told him that if he was going to be my fake friend and not my real actual “I can count on you” friend, then I would much rather not have him around. He told me that no, we would be real friends and that he thought we could be really good friends. I liked hearing that because I wasn’t sure. It was nice to know that we are on the same page.
Then I started telling him about the be my blog valentine thing. He knows that I have a blog…and this is the conversation that followed…
A: damn kids with their blogs
me: you know, i was always surprised you never asked for more info about mine
me: you just like, accepted i had one.
me: never asked if i wrote about you
A: shrug
A: i just never ponder writing about myself in public
me: well, you weren’t doing the writing. i was
me: i just thought it was interesting you never wanted to know
A: i know
A: im just weird like that
A:and self involved
me: i would never call you self involved
me: i mean, if i was in your shoes, i would want to know. but that’s because i’m curious
A: i just never thought about you writing about me
A: and if it doesnt involve me, why would i bother 
me: well, i did write about you, from time to time
me: never mentioning exactly WHO you were. but that you existed
me: then again, i don’t mention who i am either
A: aw thanks
me: why wouldn’t i have written about you?
me: the point of everything was – yes, i have a blog. you can read it if you want. i found it weird you never wanted to know more about it
A: got it
A: im just not bloggy bloggerton
me: i know you’re not. just thought you might want to know
me: i’m throwing it out there
So I’m waiting to see if he asks me about it more. I doubt he will. If he did, I was going to go in there and edit a bit – perhaps take out some things. But the point is, why wouldn’t he want to know? I know a lot of the things that I wrote about him he would have no idea about – the things that I was feeling, that is. At this point, I have nothing to lose with him.
I know it might be an unwise idea. I’m not going to tell him the address until he asks. I think if he stumbled upon this blog, he would know it was me (aside from the fact that there are WHOLE conversations in here that we had) because I write just like I talk. He would know in an instant that it was me. And I suppose at some points, I might have said something about my blog to see if he would ask more. I just find it really really strange he didn’t want to know. If some other guy that I date in the future asks me about this blog, I’ll be honest. This one has nothing to hide, unlike the other one. This one is all out in the open and I’m not being so snarky as the other one.
Moving on. I am making a rubber band ball right now. I have to do this so that I can have the cup that all the rubber bands are in to put pens in becaue my desk is such a mess and I have no room to play with. This is what I will be doing for the morning. I also made cupcakes last night with Lilo so that I could bring them in. They have lemon zest in them and since I work with a bunch of HEATHENS, they assumed it was cheese. Or carrots. Big Scott the President also didn’t want to eat one because I made them. Then he shoves the entire cupcake into his mouth and tells me how good it is. Except it doesn’t come out like that because his mouth is filled with sweet cuppin’ cake goodness. These people, they are all crazy.
Other than the cupcakes, work is a little overwhelming. There’s so many things for me to do all the time and I swear, not enough time in the day. Add to that the fact that I’m sick and that makes me move slower than usual and just not be my normal self and it’s hard. I’ve been learning all sorts of things that are going to be helpful, but they are all flying at me at once. I’ve been put on an account and the buyer that runs it is just all over the place. She has 4 kids, so I suppose she’s allowed to be that way, but it’s SO hard to follow her. She got me so twisted inside out and backwards last week that I didn’t even know what questions to ask her to get myself straight. This week has been better? I haven’t done much on that account. Actually, I couldn’t even tell you what I did this week. It’s mostly been lots of little things here and there and at the end of the day, I wonder what I’ve done.
Okay
So I talked to A and we sorted things out and for the time being, we’re still a we. That’s good and bad all at once. At least I can stop panicking, you know?
I told him about how I was going back and forth and totally having a major panic attack last night and then again this morning and he told me that last night he was having a panic attack too. Aww…we panic about the same things.
He’s off at a super bowl party with some friends, so I didn’t end up seeing him, but I will be seeing him this week. Things are going to be different and I know that we are going to be way more open and honest with each other about how we feel and the status of our relationship. It’s an important step that we are taking and I’m glad that we have taken it. Should be an interesting time now in my life.
At least I can sleep easy tonight and not have freaky scary dreams. In unrelated to A but related to dreams news, I had a dream the other night that I was living with one of my ex-boyfriends that went to boot camp except he was out of boot camp and he was all big important Army man. It was a strange dream and I woke up totally confused.
And yesterday I went and got my eyebrows waxed and the lady that did them totally did something wrong and my eye is all scraped up and it looks like someone hit me. My plan? I’m going to tell people it was A. I told him about that today and he’s like “why did I hit you now?” and I explained to him that when I don’t iron his shirts well enough, I get the back of his hand. Joking about violence against women shouldn’t be something that I do because it’s SO NOT OKAY. Doesn’t seem to matter when it’s stuff I kind of do to myself and then pin on a boyfriend.
I’m just about as tired of it as you are
Switching back and forth between believing whole-heartedly that he will realize that I’m great and believing that he’s going to get rid of me outright is exhausting. I’m so tired. I’m so tired and wound up and a little tipsy and a lot overwhelmed.
I keep on thinking that I know what’s going to happen. Like, Friday and this morning I was convinced that he realized his mistake. Now – I’m thinking he’s thinking this is right. And I know I can fall asleep and not cry or anything, but the anxiety is killing me. My heart is pounding around in my chest. It’s not even because of the sadness because it’s over (and there will be sadness, hopefully not too much though), but because I DON’T KNOW. I can guess, but I have no idea if I will be right or not. It’s scary.
I’ve talked to everyone that would listen to me about this. Thank you all. Thanks for your perspectives and advice and thoughts and kind of making me realize at points that I wasn’t crazy entirely. Tomorrow is going to be a rough day. I know I can get through it. Or wait…
So here’s something I didn’t plan on sharing – but I am. For a really long time, I was severely totally and absolutely depressed. Like, couldn’t get out of bed, would rather not wake up again depressed. For years. I went on all sorts of meds – all sorts of combos of anti-depressants and mood stablizers and god knows what else. The sad fact is that I was on so many that I can’t name them all. I recognize some of the names, but you know – that’s not helpful. Anyway, I went to get my prescription for my anti-depressants filled. It’s one that I have been on for a long time and it works for me. It took a long time to figure out what might work , this one does. This is my first prescription that’s getting filled with my new insurance. And…it was denied. Apparently I need “approval” from the doctor for this to get filled. And it’s 4 PM on a Saturday. I have 1 pill left. I know tomorrow is going to be an emotional day, regardless of what happens and I KNOW I need this pill. So what am I doing? Saving the 1 pill for tomorrow night. Going to the pharmacy and BEGGING them to give me a day or two just to get me through until I can fill the whole damn thing. But I totally freaked when I realized that in a time that I need the f”ing meds, they aren’t there.
I’m going to get through this, no matter what happens. I can’t even say which way I think it will go. I know this isn’t a huge event, it doesn’t ruin my life or it doesn’t really make my world start spinning backwards. But the rug was yanked out from under me pretty hard on Thursday, so I’m still sitting on my butt waiting to figure out what went wrong.
Tomorrow’s post should be a good one.
Take back every single word you said…
Last night I met up with A for dinner. He had been…not right for a while. And now I know why. I don’t want to get into it too deeply because it’s only a little after 7 and I don’t want to spend my day crying – but pretty much he decided that if it comes to breaking my heart now or breaking my heart later, he’d rather hurt me now.
I find this unacceptable. He was trying to break up with me and I told him no and so…we’re not broken up. It makes me wonder if he didn’t really mean it. I’m thinking he didn’t.
He’s calling on Sunday and we’re going to get together and talk some more. He’s struggling with this because as he said he’s “emotionally retarded”. I’m pushing him (in a good way ) to make choices and think things through and I think he needs that. I think he needs me to do this for him. I feel gross. I cried a lot last night.
The important part of last night was as he was telling me about his doubts about our relationship and what he was feeling, I didn’t yell at him. I didn’t cry, I didn’t shout, I calmly listened to what he had to say. That’s a huge step for me. When we got outside after dinner, I was strong on what I had to say and that was not to dismiss me because I’m 24 and unsure of myself and I don’t know what I can possibly be. I told him that he was the first good choice that I’ve made in a long time and that’s true. He is. We were completely and totally honest with each other.
He told me the scariest thing last night. Remember when I said that he told me he was going to apply for law school and I kind of told him no? He said that it was terribly mean of me (and I admit it, it was and I’ve said I’m sorry to him for that about 12 times now) and he said that he saw my mom in me. I freaked out. That’s when the tears started. I looked him in the eyes and I told him that if I EVER turned out like my mom, I would kill myself. I think he thinks I’m joking. He should know me well enough to know that I’m not. He felt bad at that point and he hugged me and I was crying and then we went our seperate ways.
I got in the car and called Kate and cried uncontrollably. This hurts, but not for logical reasons. I’m not even upset with him. I’m sad that he’s giving up because that’s what the easiest thing is to do. I’m sad that he doesn’t want to try. And I know that I shouldn’t try to make someone be in a relationship that doesn’t want to be there, but I don’t think that’s the case. I feel like if he really wanted to be done with me, he wouldn’t have let me talk him down.
He begged me to say something mean to him, to say something horrible, to do anything that would make either of us mad. I couldn’t. I like him a lot. Last night didn’t change much of anything except the fact that I’m sad that he thinks this is right. And as much as I’m being a dumb emotional girl, I know I’m not. I think I’m right in what I did. And I’ve been planning out what I am going to say to him in my head since last night. I woke up before my alarm this morning and I was just lying there and thinking of all the things I could say. Basically…it comes down to something like this:
I know you’re scared and I’m scared too. I just went through this. I just got over worrying about the future. I’m not letting myself worry about it and I won’t let you either. If we get hurt, then we get hurt. Let’s just enjoy this ride together. We’re feeling the same things now. We have a lot in common and things are good (or were) and you can’t give up because there’s no reason to. Don’t give up on me. I know you’re all filled with Anxiety, but let me be your Anxiety Girl. I know I can be. I know that I can help you. Please. Don’t be dumb. Don’t make rash decisions. I’m here and I’m not going away until I know you mean it. And right now, I know you don’t.
Anxiety Girl
