The Office
Unfortunately, my office does not have any Jim like characters. That makes me sad.
Life at the office is good. I’m learning lots of things and I have a feeling that I could be really good at this job – once someone shows me what I should be doing. It’s been a busy two weeks at the Marketing Place. They are all doing their performance reviews, which have to be presented to the senior heads of our department, and then to the senior head of the whole department. So everyone’s been busy and running around and no one really has time to train me. I’ve been asking the girls I work with to help me out, and they basically do.
However.
These girls are all about my age (ranging from 22-28ish), but they all ignore me. Don’t get me wrong, they aren’t mean or anything. They just act like I’m not there. And that makes me come home and cry. Partially because I am all hormonal – partially because I’m a 13 year old girl and no one wants to be my friend.
I know that’s stupid. You don’t have to tell me.
It’s hard being at work when it seems like no one wants you to be around. All the girls in my department go to lunch with each other and eat lunch in the office with each other and joke around with each other – and I’m not included. So I eat lunch alone and do things alone and sometimes they invite me, but mostly they don’t. I don’t invite myself because I don’t want to be “THAT GIRL”. THAT GIRL that just thinks she’s a part of the gang when she’s not. I know I am not part of the gang yet, but I’d like to think with time that I would be. Right now, I’m still waiting outside the clubhouse.
I don’t expect everyone to immediately be my friend or even immediately like me. But I would expect that people would include me in things just so that I wouldn’t be the new girl and I wouldn’t feel so left out. I’ve always struggled to make friends. I just have no idea how. I don’t know how someone becomes your friend – I guess they just do.
So it’s been upsetting me. And it makes me feel like I’m in 6th grade again. I’m struggling because of it. I know it will get better and I’m still the new girl and so on – but it’s still not fun.
This week should be better because I can get more training from the senior people in the department and I can learn whole processes, instead of bits and pieces at a time.
At the big fancy Marketing Place, I have to be a Vanilla version of myself. I can’t laugh and smile and make everyone do the same. So at work, I’m not fun Vanilla Sarah. I tone myself down and don’t giggle at things and try to keep it all locked up. Which is hard. Which is why I send ridiculous emails to everyone to keep myself sane.
I am not good at being Vanilla. I’m like…Moose Tracks ice cream. Or something else with lots of good things in it. But I can only be Moose Tracks when I’m not at work. And that’s just one more thing I’m having a hard time with.
The job really is good though. I know I can learn everything I need to and seriously kick some ass once I get good. Or at least kick some ass of the Marketing Place Mean Girls.
Because on Wednesdays, they wear pink. And they can all return to their homes on Whore Island.
The perfect interview
Before I go on about what my life SHOULD be like, can I just say how impressed with myself I am? Tonight I went out with a boy that I was very sure that I wouldn’t get along with because he is nice and kind and GOES TO CONFESSION and you know, is a nerd. A big nerd. The D&D, World of Warcraft kind of nerd. Actually, he doesn’t know that he almost lost his head when he mentioned WoW, but seriously, it was close.
But I went out with him and had dinner with him and was nice and polite and told him that I would like to hang out with him again. That part is not a lie. He is really nice. I would not like to date him. He doesn’t know that I would crush him, but I know. He’s the sort of boy I would manipulate until there was nothing left. I realize this and act accordingly. I am win.
Anyway, not what this post is about.
I’ve been on many interviews in the 6 months that I’ve been funemployed. At least 10. Most were okay, one was really terrible and there have been a few good ones. Nothing has landed me the new job that I NEED to keep my sanity about me. I’m waiting, patiently, but I’m getting more frustrated than I was and would really like a job. NOW. PLZ TO HIRE.
Having gone on all these interviews, I have a thought of how my perfect interview would go. It doesn’t involve me walking in the door and having them just hand me a fabulous job (though that would be nice). No, it goes more like this….
I walk into the office, looking fabulous in my suit that I feel awkward in all the time. I don’t need to wear fatass reducing spanx because I am that fabulous. My hair is doing all the things I want it to do and my make up doesn’t look like a 5 year old did it. I am amazing. I smile and everyone just thinks “WOW, we love this girl!”
I walk into the office of the very important and fancy person that makes the decisions in this place. We chat for a few minutes about the weather, or TV, or something else. Very important and fancy person asks me about myself and I tell them about my wonderful education at Alfred and my time at B&N and my crappy job after that and that I was laid off from the job that I loved. I inform them that I have been volunteering with all my free time and love baking more than anything else.
This somehow turns into a discussion about the Venture Bros. And music. And pie. I don’t trip over my words, I come off as bright and charming (I think I’m that way in interviews anyway. Could be wrong though) and I’m wonderful.
I am NOT all socially awkward and unable to think of something smart to say. In fact, I say all the right things. I somehow magically come up with a new business plan for this company. Very important and fancy person is so impressed that they say that they will call me in the next few days.
And in this interview dream of mine, THEY CALL ME. LIKE THEY SAID THAT THEY WOULD. I talk to their HR person, who is actually helpful and they give me a job. I go to work and enjoy it and love it there and everyone loves me. I make enough baked goods to give everyone diabetes, but no one cares because they are just so happy that I am the new member to the team.
Then I find some boy there that is just perfect and we fall in love and OMG perfect wedding.
Okay, maybe not that last part. But I dream of the interview where all goes well, everyone says what they mean and no one tells me that they are “looking to make a decision quickly”, or “needed to have someone yesterday” or “really need to get the ball rolling on this one”. They don’t say that they will contact me in a week with no intentions to do so. They answer the phone when I call.
I know I’ve had too much time by myself when this is my dream. My dream is to have an interview go right. It’s not to meet the man of my dreams or win millions of dollars or cure some terrible illness that is affecting millions or even just make pie crust from scratch.
It’s to have someone like me enough to give me a job.
I need to get out of the house more. Preferably because I have a job. Along those same lines, I need a job so that I can buy more shoes and underpants and concert tickets and unnecessary clothing and stuff for the wedding that I am going to be in and plane tickets and a new gym membership and sessions with my trainer and attachments for the Cuisinart mixer (yeah, I said it. There’s an attachment that you can use to make ice cream. Don’t judge). I also need a job so that I can afford to live. That’s an after thought though.
I just really need the damn shoes.
God only knows what I’d be without you
I was talking to Lilo today (that’s not the important part) and she was talking about sending something to someone that is important to her. She said that she liked having the people she loved know that they are appreciated.
Which got me to thinking because HELLO, NOTHING BUT FREE TIME OVER HERE.
I’ve had a rough couple of months in my life. I’ve been a needy, demanding, whining, bitching, complaining, crying mess. Like, a lot. I have relied on people more than I should have, done things I didn’t mean to do and lashed out at those that just wanted to help.
But did I ever tell anyone how much I appreciated what they were doing for me?
It’s easy to tell someone that they mean something to you in the heat of the moment. Or maybe it’s their birthday. Otherwise, how often do you look at your friends and just thank them for being them, for being friends with you, for being supportive and lovely and just not leaving you when times are tough.
Of course, if they left you in tough times, that doesn’t make them a friend. It makes them a shithead. That’s neither here nor there.
I think that I mostly make it clear to the people that have been my main support system that I can’t ever thank them enough for being here. They’ve listened and cried and shouted right along with me. I couldn’t have survived all of this without my friends. I need them to know how much I appreciate them – not just for the past few months, but for the past years that I’ve known them. I need to thank newer friends for stepping up to the plate and accepting everything I’m throwing their way. And so I will.
I also started thinking about all the people I’ve been supportive of. Some of those people don’t ask for a lot from me. Some of my friends I didn’t even realize that I was being supportive when I was because whatever I was doing was so slight or so easy. I helped them out – that is what’s important. Yet I have other friends that have just assumed that I’m going to be there to pick everything up, patch it back together and unconditionally love them.
That’s not to say that I’m not guilty of the same thing. I know I am. I would like to right that.
It makes you wonder. If these people just think that I’m going to be the one to help them – what if I don’t? Does that make me a bad friend for wanting someone to say “hey, thanks for all you do”? Probably. It doesn’t stop me from wanting to do that. It doesn’t stop me from wishing that I could make friends of mine, from the past and present, realize that I’m important.
Again, that’s kind of selfish.
And yet, I can’t stop myself from helping.
Everyone likes being needed. Everyone wants to be wanted. Sometimes that little extra mile to thank someone for merely existing in your life is all it takes.
Sometimes in the fall
I’ve really been little Negative Nelly over here for a while. So since I now have to wait 2 hours before I can take my antibiotics, I figured I would post something that I’m excited about.
The fall.
As in the season.
I don’t know why I love the fall so much. It gets colder and darker and it’s not as lovely outside…but I really enjoy the fall. I like the smells of fall. The smell of leaves, pumpkin, apples, the way that the air tastes…I love it!
Fall in Alfred was always beautiful. There are so many trees in the area and all the leaves would change colors and once they fell from the trees, we would crash through them and throw them at each other. Fall meant the beginning of school, the beginning of open mic night and my birthday.
Fall meant new beginnings in so many senses of the word. In normal life, spring is the beginning of everything. In college life, its the fall. That’s when you make new friends, find new things that you love and make bad choices (but that’s all the time).
I can’t wait to spend the fall in Cupcake Land. I can’t wait for all the baking that we will do. I’m excited for Halloween (although I don’t have a costume yet), for Thanksgiving (nom nom nom) and for birthdays (mine and Lilo’s!). I’m excited for my friends to have their new beginnings – all of them really are in a different place than they were at the beginning of the summer.
Lilo and I vowed that the end of the summer would be different and that we would be singing and dancing when everything changed. Everything has changed for me and for her. We won’t be singing and dancing for the same reasons – everything good has happened to her whereas many bad things have happened to me – but we’ll still be singing. And dancing. Perhaps falling down and getting hurt as well.
The fact is that I’m ready for fall and I’m hopeful for fall. Everything could change in a moment. I could have my life all spelled out for me before I know. I just have to wait and see.
So this year, in the fall – let’s all cross our fingers for the best that can come to us.
Funemployment- week 2!
Although I’ve said vague things about it, I really haven’t gone into details about the fact that I no longer have a job.
Aside from my whining about it here and on twitter. Deal with it.
Thursday before the wedding, BStP called me into his office. I didn’t think much of it, because he does that sometimes. Then he closed the door and started talking. Since I’m a mature adult in control of my emotions, I started crying hysterically and freaking out. What else was I supposed to do? I have just moved out, I was going to be broke because of the wedding and I REALLY LOVED MY JOB. Which isn’t my job anymore. But whatever. Then I got to leave work and drive the 4 hours to Vermont and try not to cry the entire way.
I was lucky that I had Lilo and Pam and A to talk to along the way. My coworker Natalie also got laid off (along with 2 other coworkers) so she and I have been commiserating about our situation. Except she already has a new job and I am still funemployed.
Last week I went to Foxwoods one day to play bingo, I went for long walks, I went to my friend’s pool and had lunch with my grandparents and went to drop off W at college in Vermont.
Now I have no idea what day of the week it is and I’m starting to get bored. I’m going to have to find a whole bunch of new hobbies to amuse myself. And the first hobby is going to be finding a new job!
I’ve applied to a few places so far, but nothing yet. The school that J used to go to is looking for someone to work in the office. While that isn’t ideal, it still is a job. With a paycheck. And an opportunity to meet new people and have new experiences. I’m waiting for them to call me so that I can get cracking on that. It’s not that I don’t enjoy waking up late and doing nothing all day, but it feels weird to be doing so. I feel like I’m not supposed to be screwing around like this, but there’s really nothing else for me to do.
I go back and forth about not having a job. Some days I look at it as a great chance for me to do something different – to go back to school, to find a totally new career path, to just break out and do something crazy – whatever. Most days though, I just feel dumb and stupid and lame and like a failure. I know being laid off is not my fault. I know that I didn’t do anything to make them want to get rid of me (aside from being low man on the totem pole, I guess). I still feel like a totally reject when I admit that there are things I can’t do now that I don’t have a job. I felt really lame when I was filing for unemployment yesterday. I never thought that my life would be this way – I never thought that once everything finally came together, it would all fall apart.
It did. Now I’m here.
So in week two of funemployment, I am going to knit more and work out more. I’m going to make peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. I’m going to make dinner so Lilo has something to eat when she comes home. I’m going to clean up around here, do laundry, not make a mess, do the dishes. I’m going to smile, find jobs, read more and be a nice girl. I’m not going to cry and be upset and pout. Those things do not change the situation I’m in.
I know that I will find something. I just have no idea when that might be. It’s hard not knowing when things will change. I just know that they have to.
Weekend Update
Back from the wedding, which was actually very fun and nice and lovely. I know, after all that bitching. Heather was the most beautiful bride and she was so happy. It just about hurt to look at her, her smile was so big. I can’t even tell you how great that was. More on the wedding in another post (possibly with pictures!)
And in other news, I got laid off on Thursday, right before I left to go to the wedding. My last day is Friday. Yeah, I’m not dealing too well with it either
At least that’s over
Friday was the dress fitting for the wedding of dooooom. It should have been relatively painless. It should have been me and the other bridesmaids going in and putting on our dresses and my cousin (that’s a tailor) making the marks for how much the dresses need to be taken in and that would be that.
SHOULD OF is the important part of those thoughts. IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN EASY.
Heather had to be involved for some reason. So it wasn’t easy. Instead, it was just so much better. God, she’s really a wedding terror.
To start out with, she was late, which was just annoying. We all had things to do on Friday and she wasn’t even there. I put my dress on because I got tired of waiting for her. I came out of the dressing room and commented that my dress was huge (because honestly, it was. it’s 4 sizes bigger than any pair of pants that I own. It’s not right). Heather then told me that if my dress was any smaller, then it wouldn’t fit and I would cry. Did I mention they are taking in my dress by 3 inches? Yeah. that’s what I thought.
Thanks, bitch.
Heather then got into an arguement with our cousin about the length of the dresses. She wanted them to be one way and he wanted them to be another way (his way being the correct way) and it was just awkward and terrible. She didn’t want to listen to what he had to say.
Then I asked my cousin the tailor if I should come back for a second fitting. I had my first evalution with Lisa the Trainer on Thursday and since Memorial day, I’ve lost an inch from each arm, 3/4 of an inch from my chest, 2 1/2 inches from my waist and a 1/2 inch from my hips. So. That’s kind of awesome. Lisa the Trainer was the one that suggested that I should go in for a second fitting because I’m going to keep on training with her and there’s the possiblity that I will still lose a little bit more. My cousin the tailor said that it was no issue, I could come back a week before the wedding and we will see where we stand then.
Heather asked me if I really thought that I needed a second fitting. I stared daggers at her and told her that we would have to wait and find out.
I don’t understand why SHE cares if I have to go for another fitting. She’s not paying for it, she doesn’t have to come with me, it’s not even HER dress. You would think that she would be happy for me because I’m losing weight or inches or whatever and the fact that I’m going to look nice in my dress. I’m not going to look nicer than her, but I’m going to look presentable. It’s just frustrating. She needs to get a grip on her life.
I also borrowed a dress from one of my friends that I can wear to the rehearsal dinner. It’s great because I don’t have to buy a dress now. Bonus for me.
This weekend is the bridal shower and the slutty harlot I’m getting married party. That should be…something. I still haven’t gotten Heather anything, so I should do that this week. I need to email the maid of honor to see how I can help. And then I need to drink enough so that it all seems okay.
I know that my experiences with Heather are being clouded by the fact that she was such a bitch to me about things. And she’s probably not trying to be as bitchy as she’s coming off as. But it’s a wedding. Yes, it’s a very important day in her life, probably the most important. It’s not life and death. And when you’re really in love, I can’t see how what’s going on around you is going to matter. She’s being this way because she’s planning it herself. I’m not denying that’s got to be hard. But she’s a teacher, so she has the summer off. My mom has offered to help but Heather doesn’t want her to. When people offer help and you don’t take it, you can’t cry and pout and say that you’re doing it all by yourself. We get it. Shut up and get married already.
It’s becoming more clear to me. Weddings are teh suck.
