TMI Thursday – The worst sex I didn’t know I was having
Welcome to TMI Thursday. As Lilu says ***Alright, folks, you know the rules. Join us all in humiliating the crap out of yourself every Thursday by sharing some completely tasteless, wholly unclassy, “how many readers can I estrange THIS week??” TMI story about your life. Or hell, about someone else’s!
Pam, for the love of all that is holy, please don’t read this. Go along your business. K, thanks.
When I was in college, I dated a wonderful guy (well, he’s wonderful now) named Lee. We were in love and it was gross. And then we broke up. That was his choice, not mine. A choice that he regrets TO THIS DAY, so in the end, I win.
After Lee and I broke up, I started going out with this guy named Patrick. In all honesty, Patrick was lovely. He was cute and sweet and very nice. That was his problem though. He was too nice and I stomped all over him, partly because I was on the rebound and I was a terror, and partly just because I could. I never said that I was a nice girlfriend. I kind of used my power for evil. I convinced him to drive from Maine down to Connecticut to pick me up so we could return to college in upstate New York. Told you.
Anyway, Patrick was nice and I enjoyed having his company. That was only when I wasn’t crying about Lee. One night, Patrick and I were in my dorm room, in the tiny little college bed and we were going to be having the sexy times. Or something like that. He’s kissing me, I’m kissing him and it’s all fine. I hadn’t seen his boyparts yet, so really I had no idea what to expect.
Patrick then starts making noises. Sex noises. As far as I knew, we were not having sex. Then I looked down and guess what? WE WERE. His junk was so…tiny and small that I had no idea that I was having sex. Not even a little bit.
I don’t think that I’m so much of a whore that I don’t know what I’m doing with my parts. I am aware. I can feel things – just in case you wanted to know. But this I could not feel. AT ALL.
So I faked having sex with him. Which is something I had never had to do before then and never had to do since. I’ve faked enjoying sex, but never the entire act. It was weird and awkward and I was totally overdoing it because I have no idea how to fake something entirely. But he bought it and that was that.
That was the first and last time that I slept with him. I broke up with him a few days later, after drinking enough rum to kill someone. I then slipped and slid down a muddy hill on my ass after telling him that he should just stop talking to me. That’s karma.
I haven’t heard from Patrick since our sophomore year in college, when my friend/his roommate Matt commanded him to walk me home from a party once. It was an awkward walk and he kept on telling me what a bitch I was. Thank you Patrick, I am aware.
The last time I knew, he was engaged to someone? But really, that could have been a lie too.
I thought about this post because I recently had some sexy times with some guy…that said nothing during sex. Nothing. There were no noises or moans or heavy breathing and for a while I thought maybe he was dead. He didn’t seem to be into it, but every time I sort of…glared at him, he said he was having fun. REALLY? IS THAT SO? ACT LIKE IT. I CANNOT READ YOUR MIND. It really shook my confidence because you know, I’ve never had to deal with that either.
Thanks to his twatwaffle like behavior (not just during the sexy times, but in all the other times where he was like “oh yeah, I like you” but secretly did not or something THANKS TIM), he has now become the boy that I had the worst sex with ever. The worst sex that I knew that I was having.
COWORKERS. You. Are. Fired.
Me: for fuck’s sake
Lilo: what?
Me: bossy beth is FIRED. twice. TWICE FIRED
Lilo: that’s a lot of fired
Me: apparently, while i was gone, the battery (it’s a 9 volt) in the scale died and i’m the ONLY PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE that knows where to get batteries. just me. no one else. so, instead of sending me an email or leaving me a note or DOING SOMETHING LOGICAL. she left the battery on my desk. just left it there. with nothing on it, just a dead battery
Lilo:…leave a severed horse head in her bed.
Me: NOW, i was supposed to know that it was a dead battery that came from the scale, ALL BY LOOKING AT IT, and then i was supposed to buy a new one. but there was no battery on my desk when i got back from vacation. and that’s why she’s fucking fired twice. goddamn it
Lilo: wtf
Me: jesus christmas i want to murder her
I’m charming today. Also, you should check out what I said to Lilo today because I’m going to hell. I’m going straight there. There’s more reasons why me just saying that baby is ugly is bad….email me for more details.
Determination
For a long time, I’ve been saying that I want to be more outdoorsy. Of course, for a while it was winter (I hear that happens sometimes). But now it’s almost spring (FRIDAY OMG!) and things are going to change. Really.
I have decided I must buy these. I shouldn’t choose hobbies based on the footwear, but we all know it happens. Besides, this is something that I want to actually do.
How do I make this work? Well, I’m going to start hiking/walking in the woods on the weekends. I can go to Cranberry Park or Devil’s Den or wherever when it’s nice on Saturdays/Sundays and just get out. It would be good exercise and a good way to shake it up instead of constantly going to the gym. I like being outside. I like the sunshine and the smell of the woods and so on. I just have a habit of tripping over things, which could be a problem.
By writing about this in my blog, I feel like I will be held accountable. And that will be good. I know it’s not going to be easy, but this is something I really want to do. I really want to hike around and go camping this summer. I really want to be able to say that I did things like that on a weekend. I know I can do this, I just need to keep on remembering that.
So. This is my vow to the blogosphere: I will go hiking on whatever weekends I can, weather permitting. I’m not going to make excuses. I’m going to make myself do this. If I can’t find someone to go hiking with me, I’ll take Jack and go to Devil’s Den. I’m going to do this. I am.
Springtime…in Alfred!
I need spring. Bad. I think everyone has figured this out, considering my last post about making a spring mix. I’m so done with winter, I’m done with the cold and the snow and the bone chilling wind. I’m done.
I’ve been thinking about Alfred lately. What’s Alfred? Alfred is where I went to school. And I miss Alfred a lot. I don’t know why this happens, but every now and again, I get this hardcore need to go back there. My friend Tessa had mentioned going up for Hot Dog Day this year, but I don’t know if I could swing that. I would love to go up, but there would be no place to stay since I think just about everyone I knew when I was there has since graduated.
Bummer.
I’ve been thinking about my senior year a lot. Alfred is a small town. A very small town. There’s 3 bars in Alfred (or at least there was when I was there) and only one was worth going to. That bar was Alex’s. It was a little gross, very much a dive and the place that I spent a lot of time my senior year. It wasn’t even that I was always drinking, but we were always down there because that’s just where we hung out. I was looking at my Alex’s mug last night and thinking how I need to drink out of it. The mug from Alex’s has 2 dinosaurs on it, both drinking. Everyone decorates their mugs in whatever way they see fit – mine has a sticker from the college radio station, a sticker from a band that my friends are in and some assorted other weird things. The mug was the way to go. On Thursdays you could fill it up for $1 with Natural Ice. You had to think though…was being terribly hungover and crappy the next day worth the crappy beer? The answer was always yes. Any time you could go out with $5 and go back to your room totally wasted was an excellent night. We did that just about every week. It’s Alfred, what else was there to do.
The real reason I miss Alfred is because of my longing for spring. Spring in Alfred was the most wonderful time to be there. Everything really came alive. There were flowers and birds and life. Everywhere! The Alfred winters are long and cold and once it started to get warm, everyone went crazy around there. That’s why HDD is so important – everyone’s out in t-shirts and flip-flops and there’s not a jacket in sight. The sun is shining on HDD and you can’t ask for a better time.
So while I’m stuck at my desk in the cold right now, I’m thinking of the spring of 2006 in Alfred. I’m remembering sitting on the lawn in front of my dorm with some of my friends, soaking in the sunlight and talking nonsense. Games of Frisbee near the statue of King Alfred. People just everywhere. Art stars up in trees drawing pictures of bugs. Flowers everywhere. The day that we found a whole bunch of bumblebees and watched them buzz around the bushes. We would sit on the deck at Cashelle’s house with our feet on the railing, drinking cocktails and laughing. Hike up to Hairpin Turn to look at the stars. Laugh at the kids from Alfred State. We would go out to Palmer’s and have bonfires. There were trips to Pollywog Holler (I missed this but I heard it was a great time. I was meeting Kevin’s dad. Damn!). Our senior trip was a winery tour. I got the worst sunburn on my back and I didn’t give a damn. We bought bottles of wine that we drank that night. We cooked and danced and laughed. Tessa skidded down a hill on her butt. Cashelle drank fruity drinks out of bottles.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt more alive or in control or just…awake than I did that spring. I was graduating, the possibilities for my future were endless and I had the most awesome friends from college that I could ask for. I would just about jump out of bed in the morning. I would dance around my tiny little shoebox of a room, bouncing around in my flip-flops and belt out silly songs. We were all feeling that way. We were all so energetic, so jazzed up. Of course, we were all sad to leave Alfred and leave that little village that we called home. How could we not be?
That last night before graduation at the bar was a very quiet one. My dad and my brother (who was then 15 but was let into the bar anyway) came with me to Alex’s. We ate pizza and laughed and I was surrounded by my friends and their parents and it was a surreal moment. We knew that everything would be different. Yet when all the engineers were puking in the creek before we could all march in before graduation, we knew nothing had changed.
I cried when I left Alfred. I was sad to let something so wonderful go. I knew I would be going back, I knew that I would visit, but it would never be the same. At least I have these memories of all the laughter, all the fun and all the sunshine to make me long for spring right now.
I’ve been accused of overthinking
And I’ll admit that I am. Now.
But first, I’m such a bad blogger. I threw my name into the “be my blog valentine” pool a long ass time ago. Since I’m bad and just not a good person, I still haven’t sent my blogger her things. Oops. But! I did get an awesome gift basket from Loni. Thank you so much! It’s wonderful. So go to her blog and give it the same love you give mine. Not too much though. Remember who you love more. Me. That’s who.
Okay. Back to my normal emo self time. I drove down to Scranton today with Lilo to get some rats that she adopted. Yes. Rats. Scranton is…interesting to say the least. We were in the car for quite a while (I think over 5 hours, but that was both ways) and we were talking. I was talking about a guy that I dated. I was talking about the beginning of our relationship and just going on and on, saying nothing of any importance. Then I told Lilo that whenever a relationship I’m in ends, I always go back to thinking of that relationship. The relationship with the guy that essentially destroyed who I was. I don’t understand why I do this to myself. I don’t really think about other exes a lot. Lee is my friend, so I talk to him and we’re still cool. But all the other guys – Todd, Dustin, Patrick, Kevin – I don’t think of any of them, really. They had their time to be a point of interest in my life and now I’m done with them. But He. He won’t get out of my brain. He’s always there. Lilo said something that was just so true that it struck me. She told me that I can’t stop thinking of Him because He was the one that damaged me. He was the one that changed who I am. She’s right. And again, it’s just a matter of things that I have acknowledged myself but having someone else say it. Having someone else realize something I already know and tell me it, it always makes it different. As sad and emo and woe is me as it sounds, He did damage me the most. He honestly did.
I guess I’m wondering what I have to do to get myself to forget Him. There really wasn’t any thing about Him that was redeeming (okay, that’s a lie. But I’m not blogging about that. I already overshared once this week). Why can I bury Him just like the rest of those guys? Why can’t I just forget all the pain and sadness and misery that I existed in and move on and remember all the fabulous things? I don’t know. It’s not like thinking about it makes me sad or makes me upset. I just think about it to think about it. I think about all the moments, all the passion and the hatred..and I wonder why. I think about how He changed me without even realizing that He did. I think about how I changed because I couldn’t deal with myself anymore.
Someone asked me this week why I’m so awesome. I told them that one day I woke up and remembered who I was and decided at that moment that I wasn’t going to be anything but awesome as long as I could help it. Back when I told Him we were really and seriously over, I didn’t realize it was me declaring my awesomeness. But it was. I’ve compared dating him to being in a fistfight with someone. You can only get smacked around and fall down so many times before you just don’t have it in you to get up anymore. At that point, you just lie there and hope for it to be over or that other person to stop wailing on you. It doesn’t always work out like that. I can say that my life didn’t end up that way. I guess He just stopped long enough for me to get myself together, stand on my two feet and start hitting back. If ever I were to see Him again, He wouldn’t leave in one piece. Although I often threaten to hit people (and I only mean it when I talk about punching A in the balls as payback), I would never actually do it. Not when it comes to Him. I would…I don’t even know what I would do. But I can tell you that it wouldn’t be pretty. I’m sort of ashamaed to admit that He would be able to do that to me, but there’s no way around it. He killed me, in a way. The person I was in high school, no matter how wrong or bad that person was, is not the same person I am today. I know people grow and change and learn things about themselves in college. I did. The things He taught me weren’t productive good things. He taught me that I wasn’t good enough for him. He told me that I wasn’t pretty enough, I wasn’t smart enough, that He worked with girls that were blonder, with bigger boobs that He would rather sleep with. I’m from Connecticut, that made me something He didn’t like. I was in college, that made me someone He didn’t like. He told me things on purpose to make me cry. He would just about make me beg for His affection and attention and His love (or whatever the hell it was). I was Meredith from Grey’s: “Pick me. Choose me. LOVE ME.” Never was I enough, according to Him. Not that I would ever compare myself to a china doll normally…but He smashed me. I was a million pieces.
Not anymore.
I’d like to say this stops now. Thinking about Him and His nonsense and His effect on my life and who I am now ends today. I think we all know that’s not true. It can’t. What am I to do? How do I not think about something that is terribly horrible and yet so important to this person that I am today? I guess I try to move on. I try to get enough good influences in my life to make me forget everything that He did. I hope that I’ll be with someone that doesn’t make me work hard for what they feel. I think that’s the best that I can do right now. I’m hoping that’s good enough
