God only knows what I’d be without you
I was talking to Lilo today (that’s not the important part) and she was talking about sending something to someone that is important to her. She said that she liked having the people she loved know that they are appreciated.
Which got me to thinking because HELLO, NOTHING BUT FREE TIME OVER HERE.
I’ve had a rough couple of months in my life. I’ve been a needy, demanding, whining, bitching, complaining, crying mess. Like, a lot. I have relied on people more than I should have, done things I didn’t mean to do and lashed out at those that just wanted to help.
But did I ever tell anyone how much I appreciated what they were doing for me?
It’s easy to tell someone that they mean something to you in the heat of the moment. Or maybe it’s their birthday. Otherwise, how often do you look at your friends and just thank them for being them, for being friends with you, for being supportive and lovely and just not leaving you when times are tough.
Of course, if they left you in tough times, that doesn’t make them a friend. It makes them a shithead. That’s neither here nor there.
I think that I mostly make it clear to the people that have been my main support system that I can’t ever thank them enough for being here. They’ve listened and cried and shouted right along with me. I couldn’t have survived all of this without my friends. I need them to know how much I appreciate them – not just for the past few months, but for the past years that I’ve known them. I need to thank newer friends for stepping up to the plate and accepting everything I’m throwing their way. And so I will.
I also started thinking about all the people I’ve been supportive of. Some of those people don’t ask for a lot from me. Some of my friends I didn’t even realize that I was being supportive when I was because whatever I was doing was so slight or so easy. I helped them out – that is what’s important. Yet I have other friends that have just assumed that I’m going to be there to pick everything up, patch it back together and unconditionally love them.
That’s not to say that I’m not guilty of the same thing. I know I am. I would like to right that.
It makes you wonder. If these people just think that I’m going to be the one to help them – what if I don’t? Does that make me a bad friend for wanting someone to say “hey, thanks for all you do”? Probably. It doesn’t stop me from wanting to do that. It doesn’t stop me from wishing that I could make friends of mine, from the past and present, realize that I’m important.
Again, that’s kind of selfish.
And yet, I can’t stop myself from helping.
Everyone likes being needed. Everyone wants to be wanted. Sometimes that little extra mile to thank someone for merely existing in your life is all it takes.
What’s happening on the job scene
First of all, it’s 7 AM on the day after Halloween and I’ve been up for an hour. I spent last night drinking an entire 6 pack and then switching to vodka. I should still be asleep, but I’m awake. My body also feels like it’s been through war…although it hasn’t.
So I’m just as confused as you are.
Two weeks ago, I had a job interview at a local hospital to work in the marketing department there. I was super thrilled to even get an interview but the interview was a long time coming. I spoke to the HR guy on September 30th and didn’t have the interview until October 22nd. I’m hoping to hear back from them this week to see if I get to go back for a second round interview.
The job would be new and fresh and I would learn all sorts of things that I would like to learn and need to learn to stay in advertising. I know the HR guy from when I worked at the local YMCA as a teen and the woman in the marketing department knows someone that I know that was putting in a good word for me. So. It should be good.
Also, this hospital is soon to pair up with J’s old school to do autism screenings and things like that. I would love to be able to be involved with the marketing of that, but we will see.
Then on Friday I got a call from another media place that wants me to come in to interview for a broadcast assistant buyer position. I never expected to hear from this company because although I was totally the kind of person that they wanted for this job, I’ve been totally the kind of person for other jobs. And no one calls. So, surprise interview. I’m going in on Tuesday and I’m a little nervous, but I know there is no need for that.
Fact of the matter is – I NEED A JOB SOON.
There are shoes I need to buy. I want a pair of black flats. And for some reason, I need these shoes too. I’m not normally a trendy shoe kind of girl, but there’s something about those slippers that I’ve decided I must have in my life. And having a limited income and wanting expensive shoes do not go hand in hand.
Although I’ll probably cave sooner rather than later and end up buying them. DAMN YOU, NEED FOR SHOES.
I’ve also been watching far more TV that any human being should be – Glee, Community, The Office, Venture Bros, How I Met Your Mother (season 1), Grey’s Anatomy (now on season 3), It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Big Love (season 2), Gossip Girl (season 2) and god knows what else. Mostly my brain is turning to mush, but damn, at least I’m amused while doing it.
I’ve been cleaning and cooking and knitting my hands off like a madwoman around here, but I would REALLY LOVE to work again. So someone…PLEASE TO HAS JOB NOW.
Keep your fingers crossed for me this week. I need all the help that I can get…
Sometimes in the fall
I’ve really been little Negative Nelly over here for a while. So since I now have to wait 2 hours before I can take my antibiotics, I figured I would post something that I’m excited about.
The fall.
As in the season.
I don’t know why I love the fall so much. It gets colder and darker and it’s not as lovely outside…but I really enjoy the fall. I like the smells of fall. The smell of leaves, pumpkin, apples, the way that the air tastes…I love it!
Fall in Alfred was always beautiful. There are so many trees in the area and all the leaves would change colors and once they fell from the trees, we would crash through them and throw them at each other. Fall meant the beginning of school, the beginning of open mic night and my birthday.
Fall meant new beginnings in so many senses of the word. In normal life, spring is the beginning of everything. In college life, its the fall. That’s when you make new friends, find new things that you love and make bad choices (but that’s all the time).
I can’t wait to spend the fall in Cupcake Land. I can’t wait for all the baking that we will do. I’m excited for Halloween (although I don’t have a costume yet), for Thanksgiving (nom nom nom) and for birthdays (mine and Lilo’s!). I’m excited for my friends to have their new beginnings – all of them really are in a different place than they were at the beginning of the summer.
Lilo and I vowed that the end of the summer would be different and that we would be singing and dancing when everything changed. Everything has changed for me and for her. We won’t be singing and dancing for the same reasons – everything good has happened to her whereas many bad things have happened to me – but we’ll still be singing. And dancing. Perhaps falling down and getting hurt as well.
The fact is that I’m ready for fall and I’m hopeful for fall. Everything could change in a moment. I could have my life all spelled out for me before I know. I just have to wait and see.
So this year, in the fall – let’s all cross our fingers for the best that can come to us.
Funemployment- week 2!
Although I’ve said vague things about it, I really haven’t gone into details about the fact that I no longer have a job.
Aside from my whining about it here and on twitter. Deal with it.
Thursday before the wedding, BStP called me into his office. I didn’t think much of it, because he does that sometimes. Then he closed the door and started talking. Since I’m a mature adult in control of my emotions, I started crying hysterically and freaking out. What else was I supposed to do? I have just moved out, I was going to be broke because of the wedding and I REALLY LOVED MY JOB. Which isn’t my job anymore. But whatever. Then I got to leave work and drive the 4 hours to Vermont and try not to cry the entire way.
I was lucky that I had Lilo and Pam and A to talk to along the way. My coworker Natalie also got laid off (along with 2 other coworkers) so she and I have been commiserating about our situation. Except she already has a new job and I am still funemployed.
Last week I went to Foxwoods one day to play bingo, I went for long walks, I went to my friend’s pool and had lunch with my grandparents and went to drop off W at college in Vermont.
Now I have no idea what day of the week it is and I’m starting to get bored. I’m going to have to find a whole bunch of new hobbies to amuse myself. And the first hobby is going to be finding a new job!
I’ve applied to a few places so far, but nothing yet. The school that J used to go to is looking for someone to work in the office. While that isn’t ideal, it still is a job. With a paycheck. And an opportunity to meet new people and have new experiences. I’m waiting for them to call me so that I can get cracking on that. It’s not that I don’t enjoy waking up late and doing nothing all day, but it feels weird to be doing so. I feel like I’m not supposed to be screwing around like this, but there’s really nothing else for me to do.
I go back and forth about not having a job. Some days I look at it as a great chance for me to do something different – to go back to school, to find a totally new career path, to just break out and do something crazy – whatever. Most days though, I just feel dumb and stupid and lame and like a failure. I know being laid off is not my fault. I know that I didn’t do anything to make them want to get rid of me (aside from being low man on the totem pole, I guess). I still feel like a totally reject when I admit that there are things I can’t do now that I don’t have a job. I felt really lame when I was filing for unemployment yesterday. I never thought that my life would be this way – I never thought that once everything finally came together, it would all fall apart.
It did. Now I’m here.
So in week two of funemployment, I am going to knit more and work out more. I’m going to make peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. I’m going to make dinner so Lilo has something to eat when she comes home. I’m going to clean up around here, do laundry, not make a mess, do the dishes. I’m going to smile, find jobs, read more and be a nice girl. I’m not going to cry and be upset and pout. Those things do not change the situation I’m in.
I know that I will find something. I just have no idea when that might be. It’s hard not knowing when things will change. I just know that they have to.
Adventures in driving standard!
I commented briefly on how learning to drive a standard car is going. Here’s another update: I suck.
No really. I seriously do. But bless A’s heart, he’s not totally disgusted with me stalling out his car every 10 minutes. And that’s really what it was on Friday.
I started out okay. I was driving just fine. I got out of the driveway, I didn’t stall….and then…well, there was a hill. A tiny hill. And I lost my cool. People started honking at me. My nerves were shattered. There was a hill that wasn’t even that big, but I stalled a few times on it. We had to pull over so A could drive.
We went back to my house and decided to start again. That was just fine with me. I thought A and I could drive up to see future Cupcake Land. The roads we were going to drive on were mostly flat and didn’t involve me having to stop so much. WRONG. I WAS SO WRONG.
I got to a stop sign..stalled…cars honked, I cried. Got to the next stop sign and I was fine. Got to a third stop sign..stalled, cars honked. Got to a stop light and I was fine. After the 4th stop, I was shaking pretty hard. My nerves were totally shot and I was on edge. A kept on telling me that things were fine and I would be fine and there’s nothing that I could do to screw up his car or anything. I did not believe him.
We got to a light on the way to Cupcake Land and I stalled at it 4 times. I had to get out and let A drive because I just couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t make myself concentrate enough to drive. It was sad and I was super upset because it was just so lame.
And it’s not even that I can’t figure it out. It’s that my ratio of clutch to gas when shifting from a stop to first sucks so bad. I don’t know how to fix it. I mean, I suppose I do, but I have to go back to driving in parking lots until I can get a hold of myself and not get so upset when I drive. It’s silly that I get upset because it’s not like driving is new to me – it’s the shifting part. Once I get past first gear, I’m fine. I can cruise along in 2nd or 3rd or whatever and not have any issues. It’s getting there that throws me off.
At this rate, I will never ever drive the camaro. I’m starting to think that I’m okay with it. Besides, I don’t think that my parents want someone as spazzy as me behind the wheel. Although W can drive it – and I’m seriously more responsible than he is. I mean, he’s an 18 year old boy. He wants to pick up the ladies. I would just use it for boys to look at me. Clearly they wouldn’t be the boys that I want to date and they would not want to date me either, merely have sexy times with the car…but whatever. Close enough.
I think A and I are going to try it one more time. I’m hoping it won’t be craptastic times again, but I think that it might be. I don’t know when we will go driving, but I totally need a long break from being behind the wheel of his car.
I just need to remember – there’s no crying in driving stick.
(Also, that’s what she said.)
Weird feelings all around
This weekend was the big blowout graduation party at my house, so I think I’m still recovering and that might add to why I feel so off. It was such a good party – none of the kids were crying, no one was fighting and everything went off without a hitch. The weather was PERFECT for the first time in a month. Seriously, a month. Jeezer Connecticut, let’s pull it together.
So needless to say, I woke up on Sunday with a massive hangover. It was not good times. I straighted myself out in time for A to come over and have some lunch with my family (tasty leftovers for all!) and then he was going to teach me to drive standard. I did okay, I think. At least A says that I did. I only stalled out a few times (..okay, 5 times) but otherwise it was good. I didn’t hurt his car either and that to me was more important. I was panicked when I first started driving mostly because I know that he LOVES his car and you know, hurting that would mean that we would no longer be friends and that would make me all sorts of sad. I told A he has to take me out again so that I can drive some more and yo uknow, not so much be with the sucking from shifting from neutral to first. That’s where my problems are. Shifting while I’m driving is no problem at all. I iz awesome.
Once we got back to my house and A reported to my brother about my driving skills, A left. Then I was totally overwhelmed by sadness. I don’t know why. I just felt like laying down and not getting back up and that weird, aching feelings took over. I was in a funk for most of the afternoon because of it. I tried to shake it but I don’t know how. Maybe I’m just lonely or something. I know I shouldn’t be because I’m always around people that I like and enjoy being around. Perhaps summertime makes me lonely because everything is alive and shiny and we haven’t seen the sun here and I just feel like blah.
Even to think about how sad I was yesterday is making me sad. You know when you hear a really sweet love song and all you can think about is being in that moment with someone that you really care about? That’s sort of what I’m going through. Except I don’t know who that person would be to go through that moment with me. I don’t know what he looks like or who he is because sometimes I’m convinced that he doesn’t actually exist. I used to have a person I would imagine would be feeling those feelings with me – and that person isn’t what I need anymore. So I’m left imagining nothing?
It’s really hard to put into words exactly what I’m feeling. I feel so alone and so alive and so sad and yet so happy (mostly because there might be sun for like, 10 minutes today. And that’s such an improvement from last week) and it’s so weird. I’m absolutely panicked about moving out (because Cupcake Land has been found, which is another post for another day) and I don’t know what to do. I need to get in control of my emotions and realize that I’m being silly. I just need to get my head straight.
I need to repeat to myself that I’m moving out and I have to reason to be worried. I need to realize that things are so much different now than they were before. I need to repeat that I won’t be sad and lonely forever because that’s just not possible. I need to smile more, laugh more, dance around more. I need to stop worrying about things I can’t change. I need to get excited about a 4 day workweek, seeing friends this weekend, finally getting my dress fitting over with, the countdown to the wedding being less than a month, possible sunshine this week, J graduating, keeping going with Lisa the Trainer, working out, changing, moving, growing, being.
Now…here’s to making these things happen.
Training session 3 – the one where I get hurt
Okay training session 3. I was all ready to go. I was like…bouncy pants. I left work, I was excited and I made it almost on time (srsly rt 7).
So I did my warm up on the bike and Lisa the Trainer said “oh look, STAIRS”. We went to the stairs. First I was running up and down two sets of stairs. For a while. I don’t know how long. It made me nervous though because the stairs were short (meaning that my entire foot didn’t fit on the stair) and I was worried as I bounded down the stairs that I would fall on my face.
Lisa the Trainer told me that she would catch me and I called her a liar.
Then I was supposed to run up the stairs 2 at a time. So I did. I kept on thinking I was going to fall on my face and then I would break my teeth and then I would have to go to the dentist and I would cry and OMG how could I be that much of a fail? These are great things to think as you’re running up the stairs. I highly recommend it.
After we were done running up and down and NOT FALLING down the stairs, we went back into the gym to do some more squats. Which I totally love. Sort of. Maybe. Anyway, I started doing squats with the 10 pound medicine ball when all of the sudden I started to get a stabby pain in my butt. I ignored it at first because I thought maybe it was just a stabby pain and that was that.
HA. WRONG.
I did a few more squats. Pain got worse. I told Lisa the Trainer. She was like “okay, we’re done with this. Now we’re going to stretch”. That meant that I was lying on the ground and she was pushing my legs in all sorts of directions and massaging my butt. It was sexy for real.
Actually, her rubbing my butt was the most action I’ve gotten in a long time. Which is sad. And I wanted to tell her that but I figured that might be a little inappropriate.
(And since her trying to make the muscles in my butt stop seizing up was like…you know, the most anyone’s touched my butt in months, going to see the lady pocket doctor is going to be like…whoa. I’m going to need to lie down after that.)
(Ew)
Lisa the Trainer kept on stretching my legs, asking me what hurt and where and how bad. Then she cracked my back by accident…which was awesome. She told me to call or text her today and let her know how my butt feels and if it was still tight I could come back in and she would stretch it out again.
So far it feels pretty okay. I stretched more last night and again this morning and I’ll stretch again when I get home and let her know.
I walked out of the gym with my head held high…at least until Lisa the Trainer couldn’t see me anymore. And then I started crying. A lot. I felt so dumb and lame and just stupid and fat when that happened. I’m not totally a work out fiend, but I work out enough that I feel like that shouldn’t have happened. Granted, I don’t run up stairs 2 at a time, but still. It was just really discouraging. And I know. I know my body doesn’t want me to work as hard as I’m making it work. I know that those muscles aren’t being used all the time. But I felt like a real failure. I know Lisa the Trainer could sense it. She kept on telling me that it was okay and that stuff like this happens and she gave me a big hug when I left. I know it’s nothing to be embarrassed about, but still. I just felt like although training hasn’t been easy, it hasn’t killed me either.
I called Lilo once I got into my car and I started crying to her. I was so overwhelmingly upset about something that is seemingly so dumb. Then I got upset about the fact that I was upset. So I kept on crying.
I finally pulled myself together and went on with my night. As I said before, I feel fine now, mostly. I know that there was nothing I could do to prevent what happens and I fear that it might happen again. I’m not giving up though. I’m just going to try harder and hope that my body wants to play along with me too.
