So much love in Cupcake Land
From Lilo - Good lord indeed. I am all psyched to eat my pasta and broccoli for lunch.
Sometimes in the fall
I’ve really been little Negative Nelly over here for a while. So since I now have to wait 2 hours before I can take my antibiotics, I figured I would post something that I’m excited about.
The fall.
As in the season.
I don’t know why I love the fall so much. It gets colder and darker and it’s not as lovely outside…but I really enjoy the fall. I like the smells of fall. The smell of leaves, pumpkin, apples, the way that the air tastes…I love it!
Fall in Alfred was always beautiful. There are so many trees in the area and all the leaves would change colors and once they fell from the trees, we would crash through them and throw them at each other. Fall meant the beginning of school, the beginning of open mic night and my birthday.
Fall meant new beginnings in so many senses of the word. In normal life, spring is the beginning of everything. In college life, its the fall. That’s when you make new friends, find new things that you love and make bad choices (but that’s all the time).
I can’t wait to spend the fall in Cupcake Land. I can’t wait for all the baking that we will do. I’m excited for Halloween (although I don’t have a costume yet), for Thanksgiving (nom nom nom) and for birthdays (mine and Lilo’s!). I’m excited for my friends to have their new beginnings – all of them really are in a different place than they were at the beginning of the summer.
Lilo and I vowed that the end of the summer would be different and that we would be singing and dancing when everything changed. Everything has changed for me and for her. We won’t be singing and dancing for the same reasons – everything good has happened to her whereas many bad things have happened to me – but we’ll still be singing. And dancing. Perhaps falling down and getting hurt as well.
The fact is that I’m ready for fall and I’m hopeful for fall. Everything could change in a moment. I could have my life all spelled out for me before I know. I just have to wait and see.
So this year, in the fall – let’s all cross our fingers for the best that can come to us.
Funemployment- week 2!
Although I’ve said vague things about it, I really haven’t gone into details about the fact that I no longer have a job.
Aside from my whining about it here and on twitter. Deal with it.
Thursday before the wedding, BStP called me into his office. I didn’t think much of it, because he does that sometimes. Then he closed the door and started talking. Since I’m a mature adult in control of my emotions, I started crying hysterically and freaking out. What else was I supposed to do? I have just moved out, I was going to be broke because of the wedding and I REALLY LOVED MY JOB. Which isn’t my job anymore. But whatever. Then I got to leave work and drive the 4 hours to Vermont and try not to cry the entire way.
I was lucky that I had Lilo and Pam and A to talk to along the way. My coworker Natalie also got laid off (along with 2 other coworkers) so she and I have been commiserating about our situation. Except she already has a new job and I am still funemployed.
Last week I went to Foxwoods one day to play bingo, I went for long walks, I went to my friend’s pool and had lunch with my grandparents and went to drop off W at college in Vermont.
Now I have no idea what day of the week it is and I’m starting to get bored. I’m going to have to find a whole bunch of new hobbies to amuse myself. And the first hobby is going to be finding a new job!
I’ve applied to a few places so far, but nothing yet. The school that J used to go to is looking for someone to work in the office. While that isn’t ideal, it still is a job. With a paycheck. And an opportunity to meet new people and have new experiences. I’m waiting for them to call me so that I can get cracking on that. It’s not that I don’t enjoy waking up late and doing nothing all day, but it feels weird to be doing so. I feel like I’m not supposed to be screwing around like this, but there’s really nothing else for me to do.
I go back and forth about not having a job. Some days I look at it as a great chance for me to do something different – to go back to school, to find a totally new career path, to just break out and do something crazy – whatever. Most days though, I just feel dumb and stupid and lame and like a failure. I know being laid off is not my fault. I know that I didn’t do anything to make them want to get rid of me (aside from being low man on the totem pole, I guess). I still feel like a totally reject when I admit that there are things I can’t do now that I don’t have a job. I felt really lame when I was filing for unemployment yesterday. I never thought that my life would be this way – I never thought that once everything finally came together, it would all fall apart.
It did. Now I’m here.
So in week two of funemployment, I am going to knit more and work out more. I’m going to make peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. I’m going to make dinner so Lilo has something to eat when she comes home. I’m going to clean up around here, do laundry, not make a mess, do the dishes. I’m going to smile, find jobs, read more and be a nice girl. I’m not going to cry and be upset and pout. Those things do not change the situation I’m in.
I know that I will find something. I just have no idea when that might be. It’s hard not knowing when things will change. I just know that they have to.
The wedding (I know you’ve all been waiting!)
Or not.
See if I care.
Right, so the wedding was this past weekend. Even after all my bitching and moaning and complaining and crying – it turned out to be okay. Heather was pleasant and only yelled at us once (because she was looking for a fight), the weather was beautiful and everything went off without a hitch.
And A? He was the best wedding date ever.
I went up to my grandparents house in Vermont on Thursday afternoon. I had my cousin Lauren in the car and we were following my grandparents. My uncle and my cousin Jess were already at the house. I totally would have never found the house by myself. I haven’t been to the house since I was like, 10. It was weird being back there and sleeping in my old bed. There’s a giant loft upstairs with 7 beds in it (because there are 7 grandkids) and just Lauren and I slept up there.
My uncle made us all breakfast on Friday morning, which was very lovely. I can’t tell you the last time someone made me a big breakfast like that. We then headed over to the inn to see Heather and get ready for the rehearsal and all that fun stuff.
The inn was beautiful. The view from the house that Heather and Tony (her new husband) and all their friends were staying in was just amazing. It was a BEAUTIFUL house.
We had lunch, checked into our rooms, moved stuff around and prepared for dinner. There was a BBQ up at the Jewel (that was the name of the house, yes it had a name. I know that’s weird) on Friday night for everyone. A was meeting me up at the house and I was so glad that he did. He really was a good buffer and just a great person to have around. People kept on suggesting that I should date him (HA! FUNNY STORY GUYS) and telling me how nice he was. Like maybe I didn’t know. At least he was able to keep me away from my parents so I didn’t slip and tell them about my upcoming funemployment.
Saturday morning we were up early to get our hair done down in Rutland. The lady that did my hair started out by putting it in giant sausage curls and then doing…something with it. I don’t know how they got my hair that way, but they did. There were 28 bobby pins holding that shit in place. I have to say, it really did hold up for a good 13-14 hours, through the wind and dancing and other tomfoolery. The necklace in the below photo? Heather made those necklaces for all the bridesmaids. You know, just in case getting married and planning a wedding wasn’t enough fun for her.
We grabbed lunch and the lady that did our makeup came by. I felt like a painted up doll and very awkward, but everyone tells me that I looked great. I just felt so weird in my own body. When A came up to the Jewel to get my camera, he kept on telling me how pretty I looked. And that’s more or less what everyone on facebook is saying too. But it was just weird.
The ceremony was short and sweet. The weather was perfect. Heather looked like a dream and Tony is so handsome. We took pictures up on the hill, took pictures with Tony’s Defender and then went down to cocktail hour (WHOO!) and that’s when the fun really began.
I just started drinking. A lot. Hard. As I had just lost my job, I needed to drink. The wedding was actually a really good distraction. Dinner was so good and we danced the night away. Really. It started out by everyone dancing to songs we all knew – and the night ended with us dancing to “She thinks my tractor’s sexy” and “Save a horse, ride a cowboy”. The reception was loud, the music was pumping and there was so much booze. I ditched my shoes and was dancing around barefoot with my cousins. Heather broke the bustle on her dress and didn’t care.
And A, bless him, put up with all of it. He was like the best wedding date. My grandma thought he was fabulous (and couldn’t stop telling me so) and he was so charming and engaging. I know I sort of threw him in the deep end because he didn’t know anyone at the wedding besides my family, but he did so well. He helped to keep my mind off the fact that I had no job, he looked great, he smelled fabulous AND I got him to dance. To Billie Jean. I win. I can’t ever thank him enough for being awesome wedding date guy, but Lilo says that he probably owes me for something anyway. Thanks Lilo.
Sunday morning there was brunch for Heather and Tony. A and I got up and went to brunch and I was nursing a nasty hangover. So nasty was this hangover that I was cursing children as they walked down the stairs. It was nice. We thought we had to check out at 11, but when we went to the front desk, they told us that we could stay a bit later. I went back to the room and took a nap and that made all the difference in the world. Suddenly I didn’t want to kill EVERYONE, I just wanted to kill some people.
The rest of the wedding party was up at the Jewel, as was my car. We drove back up there, packed up all the cars, loaded up everyone and we were on our way back to Connecticut. I had a 6 foot grill in the back of my car and a whole bunch of tiki torches. A had all my clothing, my dress, everything. Everyone’s stuff was in like, 4 different cars. It was at least amusing. We had a 6 car parade to get back to Connecticut and we all got seperated on the way home.
But I beat everyone back to Heather’s house and that’s what matters.
A was stopping by my house and I asked him to pick up pizza for me because on Sunday, I was so hungry and hungover still kinda and I just wanted to collapse. Also, my family left from Vermont to go to Cape Cod and I am watching the house this week (they come home tonight, thank god). And A did me one better. He stopped, got pizza, GOT ME ROOT BEER, brought all my shit into the house and fed evil demon Ollie. Man, he was really bringing his A game this weekend. I was so thrilled when I walked in the house and discovered all these things, I almost shouted “I LOVE YOU!”
I stopped myself. I often shout at that my friends when they do things that I like. But I realized that he doesn’t know that yet and we’re not exactly at the stage in our friendship where I would shout that at him. I didn’t want him to take it the wrong way. So I just thought it and fell down on the couch.
And that was Heather’s wedding weekend. Now I’m done. I can’t even believe it. The entire summer is like, done with – and so is the wedding. I can take time to relax now and enjoy my new place. Maybe. Sort of.
Where have I been?
Not blogging, that’s for sure. I didn’t mean for it to be like this, blog. Really. I kept on opening the page and staring into your blank text box, hoping something would happen. Other things would tear me away. I’m back now and I promise I’ll be good. I’ll never look at another blog again.
Don’t hate me, blog. I swear I only have hands for you. Mostly.
Again, ick.
There are about 900 things that have happened since I last blogged. It’s been a busy time in my life. The bridal shower and bachelorette party both happened and it was actually okay. Heather was late to the bridal shower but it worked out because the food wasn’t cooking correctly. She was nice and lovely and she was the old Heather that I really enjoy being around. Even the bachelorette party wasn’t terrible. Nothing was icky or weird or out of control.
For her present – the thing that she needed for her honeymoon – I actually ended up getting her 2 toothbrushes and some toothpaste. Heather got all excited because I wrapped it up in an anthropologie box and she thought it was something from there. WRONG. I thought one of the girls at the party was going to pee herself she was laughing so hard. Everyone really loved my idea and I was win about it.
Lilo and I also got the keys to Cupcake Land that weekend. It’s crazy to think that I will be moving out in 2 weeks…but back for a week to mind the animals while my family is in Cape Cod. I’ve moved some of my stuff over and that’s a start. We have a table there and everything. It’s weird to imagine not living here, but good, mostly because if I lived here any longer, someone would get killed. And by someone, I mean my mom. She brings out the best in me. Or the worst. Or something. Once I’m out, I know lots of things will be different.
Some things, however, will not change.
In Cupcake Land, there will still be shouty time. Shouty time is the time of the day or night or afternoon where you just shout. You can shout at other people, you can shout at things that don’t exist or you can just shout to shout. At least once a day is shouty time at my house. Sometimes it’s when I wake up to start my morning. Sometimes it’s before we all go to bed when my mom is being crazy. But shouty time will come with me to Cupcake Land. It’s actually sort of relaxing sometimes, just to shout at things. I’m glad Lilo will embrace shouty time. It’s good for everyone. Or just me and her.
Other than moving into Cupcake Land and upcoming wedding stuff, life has been rather dull. Work has been…well, tense to say the least. We lost our biggest client and it’s scary times at work. BStP called a meeting today and helped to calm our fears. We have good things coming down the road for us and that’s exciting. He’s going to help get us out of this mess and we’ll be a better company for it.
I’m so sweet and sentimental sometimes.
I’ve been in a really good mood the past 2 weeks. I smile a lot and I mean it when I say nice things, as opposed to lying through my teeth to everyone except my friends. I care about what people have to say. I’m really rather charming and lovely on the outside, but still my normal evil self on the inside. I’m not complaining. I feel good, I like how I look as of late and things in my life are looking up. We’re almost done with Heather’s wedding (3 weeks!), my dear friend Cashelle just got engaged (OMG LOVE YOU) and other things that I choose not to blog about are fantastic as well.
I give this another week before my world explodes, I’d say. Maybe less.
And now it’s time to read Harry Potter (I might have gone to see the 6th movie at midnight DON’T JUDGE ME) and finish painting my toenails. And dream up a TMI Thursday post, I believe.
It’s now a proven fact
I’ve said often that I live in the zoo. Or that I live with crazy people. Or everyone in my house should be locked away.
Or the most logical explanation, which is that I’m on a secret reality TV show – a show so secret that no one even knows we’re on it. I figure that’s the most logical because there’s no way that I can ever really explain what the hell goes on at my house.
Anyway.
We have 3 dogs and a cat at my house. It’s a zoo to begin with. The cat (Ollie) is a stone cold killer. He spends his days eating and eating and eating and taunting birds and then eating birds. Or mice. This past week he killed a mole and brought it home. He then continued to smack the dead mole as if to prove that yes, it’s really dead. We get it Ollie. YOU KILL THINGS FOR FUN. He spends most mornings lying beneath the crab apple tree, swatting at the barn swallows just to piss them off.
He also waits in the bushes at my neighbor’s house so he can jump out and scare their kids. Lilo believes that Ollie is a servant of the devil. I agree. Stupid cat.
Last night, one of the dogs (that would be Jake) was wandering around outside, looking for other animals to destroy. He’s kind of like Ollie in that sense. Jake found a baby bunny and it was in his mouth. I guess W got it away from Jake before he could kill it. Now the baby bunny is in a cage in the basement and my parents are feeding it. According to W, it’s about the size of a baseball and they don’t want to let it go because the dogs will just try to eat it again.
My mom has figured out the opportunity to have a new pet. She’s always wanted rabbits and chickens and now ONE OF HER DREAMS CAN COME TRUE. I’m not going to try to talk any sense into her about this because her brain should tell her that if the dogs tried to eat the bunny once, they are going to try again. I don’t know if my dad will be okay with it, but I suppose I’ll find out soon.
I bet that she will say that my dad doesn’t allow her to have chickens so she should be allowed to keep the bunny. Who cares if it was a wild bunny?! Who cares if bunnies do NOTHING?! Who cares where it lives?! It’s a pet! HUZZAH.
This is what I’m coming home to, after 2 weeks at Lilo’s to mind the ratbabies. This insanity. There’s no way that this entire thing is real. It’s just not possible for all this stuff to happen to one person. Except it clearly is because I live it every day. Thank God I’m moving out soon.
I’ve decided to name the bunny Bunnicula. Why? Because I’m a book nerd, okay? THAT’S WHY.
Adventures in driving standard!
I commented briefly on how learning to drive a standard car is going. Here’s another update: I suck.
No really. I seriously do. But bless A’s heart, he’s not totally disgusted with me stalling out his car every 10 minutes. And that’s really what it was on Friday.
I started out okay. I was driving just fine. I got out of the driveway, I didn’t stall….and then…well, there was a hill. A tiny hill. And I lost my cool. People started honking at me. My nerves were shattered. There was a hill that wasn’t even that big, but I stalled a few times on it. We had to pull over so A could drive.
We went back to my house and decided to start again. That was just fine with me. I thought A and I could drive up to see future Cupcake Land. The roads we were going to drive on were mostly flat and didn’t involve me having to stop so much. WRONG. I WAS SO WRONG.
I got to a stop sign..stalled…cars honked, I cried. Got to the next stop sign and I was fine. Got to a third stop sign..stalled, cars honked. Got to a stop light and I was fine. After the 4th stop, I was shaking pretty hard. My nerves were totally shot and I was on edge. A kept on telling me that things were fine and I would be fine and there’s nothing that I could do to screw up his car or anything. I did not believe him.
We got to a light on the way to Cupcake Land and I stalled at it 4 times. I had to get out and let A drive because I just couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t make myself concentrate enough to drive. It was sad and I was super upset because it was just so lame.
And it’s not even that I can’t figure it out. It’s that my ratio of clutch to gas when shifting from a stop to first sucks so bad. I don’t know how to fix it. I mean, I suppose I do, but I have to go back to driving in parking lots until I can get a hold of myself and not get so upset when I drive. It’s silly that I get upset because it’s not like driving is new to me – it’s the shifting part. Once I get past first gear, I’m fine. I can cruise along in 2nd or 3rd or whatever and not have any issues. It’s getting there that throws me off.
At this rate, I will never ever drive the camaro. I’m starting to think that I’m okay with it. Besides, I don’t think that my parents want someone as spazzy as me behind the wheel. Although W can drive it – and I’m seriously more responsible than he is. I mean, he’s an 18 year old boy. He wants to pick up the ladies. I would just use it for boys to look at me. Clearly they wouldn’t be the boys that I want to date and they would not want to date me either, merely have sexy times with the car…but whatever. Close enough.
I think A and I are going to try it one more time. I’m hoping it won’t be craptastic times again, but I think that it might be. I don’t know when we will go driving, but I totally need a long break from being behind the wheel of his car.
I just need to remember – there’s no crying in driving stick.
(Also, that’s what she said.)
Weird feelings all around
This weekend was the big blowout graduation party at my house, so I think I’m still recovering and that might add to why I feel so off. It was such a good party – none of the kids were crying, no one was fighting and everything went off without a hitch. The weather was PERFECT for the first time in a month. Seriously, a month. Jeezer Connecticut, let’s pull it together.
So needless to say, I woke up on Sunday with a massive hangover. It was not good times. I straighted myself out in time for A to come over and have some lunch with my family (tasty leftovers for all!) and then he was going to teach me to drive standard. I did okay, I think. At least A says that I did. I only stalled out a few times (..okay, 5 times) but otherwise it was good. I didn’t hurt his car either and that to me was more important. I was panicked when I first started driving mostly because I know that he LOVES his car and you know, hurting that would mean that we would no longer be friends and that would make me all sorts of sad. I told A he has to take me out again so that I can drive some more and yo uknow, not so much be with the sucking from shifting from neutral to first. That’s where my problems are. Shifting while I’m driving is no problem at all. I iz awesome.
Once we got back to my house and A reported to my brother about my driving skills, A left. Then I was totally overwhelmed by sadness. I don’t know why. I just felt like laying down and not getting back up and that weird, aching feelings took over. I was in a funk for most of the afternoon because of it. I tried to shake it but I don’t know how. Maybe I’m just lonely or something. I know I shouldn’t be because I’m always around people that I like and enjoy being around. Perhaps summertime makes me lonely because everything is alive and shiny and we haven’t seen the sun here and I just feel like blah.
Even to think about how sad I was yesterday is making me sad. You know when you hear a really sweet love song and all you can think about is being in that moment with someone that you really care about? That’s sort of what I’m going through. Except I don’t know who that person would be to go through that moment with me. I don’t know what he looks like or who he is because sometimes I’m convinced that he doesn’t actually exist. I used to have a person I would imagine would be feeling those feelings with me – and that person isn’t what I need anymore. So I’m left imagining nothing?
It’s really hard to put into words exactly what I’m feeling. I feel so alone and so alive and so sad and yet so happy (mostly because there might be sun for like, 10 minutes today. And that’s such an improvement from last week) and it’s so weird. I’m absolutely panicked about moving out (because Cupcake Land has been found, which is another post for another day) and I don’t know what to do. I need to get in control of my emotions and realize that I’m being silly. I just need to get my head straight.
I need to repeat to myself that I’m moving out and I have to reason to be worried. I need to realize that things are so much different now than they were before. I need to repeat that I won’t be sad and lonely forever because that’s just not possible. I need to smile more, laugh more, dance around more. I need to stop worrying about things I can’t change. I need to get excited about a 4 day workweek, seeing friends this weekend, finally getting my dress fitting over with, the countdown to the wedding being less than a month, possible sunshine this week, J graduating, keeping going with Lisa the Trainer, working out, changing, moving, growing, being.
Now…here’s to making these things happen.
