20SB blog carnival…Looking back
This post is a part of 20SB’s Looking Back Blog Carnival, and Ben & Jerry’s is awarding free ice cream to lucky bloggers and readers. Read more about it here.
From the middle of January of 2009…original can be found here.
Can I just say that I am eating the second half of a philly cheese steak that I had for dinner and it’s AMAZING? Seriously. God, so good.
That’s not what this post is about. What I just said is about all I have to say about the philly cheese steak. Moving on..
I have a problem with living in the now. I have issues with my present life. I’m constantly thinking ahead, what’s going on tomorrow, next week, next year, 5 years from now. I’m never just living my life as it’s laid out before me. I ask on Wednesday about plans for the weekend. I worry on Mondays about Friday nights. And so on. I’m fine if stuff changes for one reason or another, but I have to know what’s going on. I don’t know if this is a product of having a brother with autism and we always had to know what was going on for him or if I’m just a spaz. I would say I’m a spaz, but whatever. The point is, I don’t think I’m as relaxed in my daily life because I’m always wondering what’s next. I need to know.
That brings me to my relationship with A. He’s great, he really is. But sometimes, I get so wrapped up in how hurt I’m going to be when it’s over -even though I don’t know when that is. I worry about how long it’s going to take my to get my heart back in order. We’ve only been dating since late October/early November. There’s no reason that I should think this at all. But it’s the only thought I have. I’m 24. I can’t get myself dressed sometimes in the morning because I don’t know what to wear. I can’t make choices on what I want to eat for dinner. For some reason, I’m thinking if I want to spend the rest of forever with a guy that I’ve only known for a few months. I’m too busy thinking about where we will be to embrace what’s going on now. I can see this backfiring. I can see myself throwing myself into a future that may not exist with him.
Then A will make offhanded comments about things – nothing that really means anything, he’s just talking, you know? He’ll say that he would rather live alone. Today he said that he was no good at relationships. When he says these things, I freak out inside my own head. I want to ask him what his plan is. Is he dating me just for something to do? I don’t want to be that girl. He’s 33. I know that’s not old, but you know…his friends are married and he’s not and I want to know WHY. WHY isn’t he married? Does he not want to be married? Has he just not found someone yet? What’s his issue?
I can’t ask him this. I can’t even begin to think to ask him these things. It’s like I want to get inside A’s head and figure out exactly how he feels about me so I can prepare for a future of..something or nothing. I know I’m dumb. You don’t have to tell me. It’s like I worry every day that his feelings towards me are going to change. I’ve been conditioned to think that I can’t ever feel secure in anyone’s feelings towards me. Maybe that’s why I look to the future? If I can say “well, in July, we’re going to go to the house in Vermont for the weekend and hike up the mountain and do a jigsaw puzzle and make eggs and bacon for breakfast”, I’ll know that I can calm down. I’ll have a plan that involves him on a date that isn’t anywhere near this one.
I told Karen last week when I was gushing about A that she should just sit back and enjoy me being terribly happy for now because when it’s done, I’m going to be a wreck. Why would I even think that? I ruin what I have by worrying about what it will be.
But I can make myself think of what it is now. Right now, it’s great. It’s wonderful. He makes me laugh and smile and answers the phone “hello gorgeous!” whenever I call. He sends me dumb pictures of things. He makes up nicknames for me that he always forgets. He strokes my hair when we watch TV. He wants me to come over just so that I can snuggle with him. He makes me dinner, he lets me make a mess. He laughs at me when I trip at things and ask him silly questions. (Tonight I was in my old radio station t-shirt and a pair of pj pants with candy canes on them and I had my emo glasses on. I went to walk over to him and say “do you still think I’m cute now?” and instead I tripped and just about fell into his lap. I guess my legs didn’t want to work or something). He makes me feel like I’m an amazing person and I deserve everything that he has to give (which I hear that I do). He makes bad situations better. I just have to look at him and we both laugh. He’s really exactly what I need.
So why can’t I see all these things when I’m so wrapped up in what could be? Why can’t I just be amazed and happy by what I have now? I don’t even think I want more than this now, so I need to calm down. I need to be able to see the great guy that’s in front of me and stop thinking. Stop thinking, S.
To you
I’ve given this some thought. The topic this month is Valentine’s day (duh) and you can write a letter. So…this is what I’ve come up with. Good bad or indifferent…I don’t think this is anything that will surprise anyone. But maybe.
You,
I would say happy Valentine’s day but instead I’ll say this – I wish I had never met you. I wish I didn’t still dream about you. I wish that you wouldn’t keep on throwing yourself back into my life every now and again. And I really wish that I would be smart enough to tell you no. I wish I could not answer the phone. But…if wishes were horses, we’d all ride like kings.
When we first started dating, things were perfect. They were amazing. In my anti-depressant and too much sleep induced haze, you were the most fabulous person I had ever met. You would come to see me every weekend. EVERY ONE. We would spend the whole weekend doing nothing. You would read to me sometimes, I would laugh and tell you stories about my life back here. You made me feel better when my head pounded so hard that I couldn’t handle it. You let me sleep for hours at a time and never tried to wake me. You even told me I was pretty when I was puking from drinking too much.
One weekend you decided for some reason or another that you didn’t want to see me. I sought revenge. Eventually you forgave me, but never let me forget. I should have known then.
Summer came. I went home, got healthy and stopped sleeping all the time. You sent me flowers after my surgery, telling me to get well soon babes. You called and would talk to me, even though I couldn’t say anything. I begged you to come and see me, just for the weekend. Just for a few days. You never did. According to Pam, I cried a lot that summer. I don’t remember this. But I would talk to you and then I would cry. I went through some rough stuff, some things that I needed to know that you were there for me for. You weren’t.
I went back to school. You stopped returning my calls. You stopped answering my calls. When I finally reached you after 3 days, you told me that you didn’t want to date me anymore. You thought that if you just ignored me, I would stop. I wanted answers. You didn’t want to give them to me. My roommates saw me fall apart. They saw how hard I had fallen for you because I LOVED you. You were the light in my sky. I didn’t want to be around anyone as much as I wanted to be around you. You were my world. I wasn’t even a part of yours.
We would get back together. Break up. Rinse. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat a few more times. I can’t even tell you how many times we had that conversation. By we, I mean you. I never wanted to end it. I wanted to keep on trying. I was a shell of my former self. I was NOTHING without you. I lived to be near you, to have you hug me, to have you smell my hair. I would beg you, cajole you, threaten you – please come and see me when I’m at school. My roommates are gone, they’re out of town, they’re studying. Please. Spend time with me. You didn’t care. And why?
So we broke up again. And got back together again. During my senior year of college, I finally had enough in me to tell you to go away. For good. I told you not to call. I told you I was through with you. This was after your dad’s wife told me that I wouldn’t be invited to the wedding. This was after you were sleeping with other girls even though we were taking a break and agreed to not do things. This was after I met some guys at school that treated me well and told me I was pretty and smart and not worthless. At least not as worthless as you made me feel like I was.
The last time I heard from you before I left college, you were crying so hard I couldn’t understand you. You were sorry for what you did. You loved me, OF COURSE, you loved me. I was the best thing that ever happened to you. Whenever I went, you would follow me. You weren’t going to leave me. So I left you. I left upstate New York and I didn’t look back. We were friends when it worked for you. You would tell me that you still loved me. You would tell me that we were going to be married one day and that you were going to propose to me with the biggest rock you could find. I was going to be happy when we were married, you knew it.
The last time I talked to you it was August. You were home from boot camp. You said you were coming to visit and I believed you. We had been talking for a while. You kept telling me you loved me and that you still had feelings for me and how could you date anyone else when I was the only girl for you? Then you blew me off. My last message to you was me screaming. I was yelling about all the things you did, all the lies, all the times I believed you when I shouldn’t have. I told you never to call again.
Here’s to you. Here’s to never speaking to you again. Here’s to hoping that whatever is wrong with you gets fixed and that you never hurt any girl like you hurt me. Here’s to a life of lonliness that you have started for yourself. You made me miserable for two years. I’ll be damned if I ever let anyone treat me like that again. I learned from you, even if it did take forever. I learned to never believe a thing you said, did or felt. I learned you were a liar, a cheater, a quitter. I would be sorry, but I’m not.
So happy Valentine’s day. I hope you’re alone. Am I bitter? Maybe. But no matter what happens, I’m so much better off without you
XO
S
